tuesday's venus

2003-06-20T18:51:00.000-04:00

we listened to Deborah in Caitlin's car on the way to Top of the Parks. i think i remember meeting her, and she seems very talented.

lyrics to one of her songs (that i think applies to me, and i relate to, and i like, but i don't know what it's called):

October 4th
It's cold outside and I sit under fallin leaves
I let my mind go numb so that
i don't have to see
you say that you never belonged
but i know that you're wrong
you always had a place with me
it hurts like hell that you want to leave
i haven't seen you and its been years
or its been days
and i still hold back the tears
when i picture your face
i can't believe the hurtful things you say are true
i'd rather believe you're a liar
thats.....(?)......still love you
take a deep breath and close my eyes
you're only a memory in my mind
please fall over me
i miss you constantly
i miss you constantly

i hold back the tears when you say that you can't fix this
and you never meant to hurt me you're just careless
the things you told me, the way you'd hold me
you were always there
i'd rather believe you're a liar
befoore i'll believe that you never cared
take a deep breath and close my eyes
you're ripping me apart on the inside
please fall over me
i miss you constantly
i miss you constantly

it's cold outside and i drive under falling leaves
i let my mind go numb so that i don't have to believe
and when i saw your car parked on the side of the road
i stopped to tell you i'm sorry
the fall is getting cold
i didn't mean to end it in screaming
i was still dreaming of a boy i knew
but now i want to know what the hell happened to you
what happened to you
take a deep breath and close my eyes
you're ripping me apart on the inside
please fall over me
i miss you constantly

it rained like hell that day
and now i'll never be the same
i miss you

2003-06-19T19:28:00.000-04:00

i've been cramming with ideas! when i get paid tomorrow i'm gonna try to catch a ride into town. i'm going to buy fake fur and feathers and streamers and beads and string, and lots of safety pins. i will do fun things with those. the streamers will go in a web around the ceiling/wallish area of my room, with beads hung off of them from the string. the feathers and fake fur will somehow be attached to my clothes, eventually, more than likely with safety pins since i'm too lazy to actually sew anything.

when i move out i'll find Cake!!! and take her with me EVERYWHERE! she'll be one of those cats that likes to ride in cars and sits nice and quietly in the passenger seat. i'll sneak her into hotel rooms and apartment buildings where she isn't allowed to go. i'll read poetry to her and watch movies with her and she'll be like my best friend/best travel companion. she'll most likely be a white cat, since i think that goes with Cake and the character from Missing Angel Juan that i'm naming her after.

i helped Beth dye her hair today.

WHY ARE PEOPLE ALWAYS TRYING TO FEED ME!?!?!?!? yesterday at work Bernice asked me if i wanted lunch and i said no. today at work Bernice wasn't around so Beth just brought me a salad and apples and crackers and a Coke without asking first. i guess that's the best approach. she knows me too well. i ate it and it tasted yummy.

2003-06-19T19:04:00.000-04:00

i am going to have a girl cat someday named Cake.

2003-06-19T19:03:00.000-04:00

this is my most recent horoscope from The Village Voice:

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):Love is more than a warm, tender feeling in your heart or loins. It's a revolutionary mode of perception that naturally moves you to rebel against everything you've been taught about how the world works, a radical act of magic that transforms everything it touches. You are, of course, always free to practice a tamer, safer version of love. But if you want to grow up to be a fascinating sex god or goddess, devote yourself to the ultimate form. Now is a perfect time to redouble your commitment to doing just that. The fates are conspiring to help you.

2003-06-19T18:55:00.000-04:00

so i've been working a lot lately. Rob gave me a term for how i can't get drunk or stoned and not get naked. it's alcoholic exhibitionism.
i'm working at Hiawatha mostly. a lot of gardening work, probably eventually some painting, random maintenance, etc. Beth wants me to help her with some painting/cleaning stuff next week, and i'm mowing Ron's grass for him too. i'm trying to keep myself busy because if i'm not busy i'll just sit at home and drink and take handfuls of random pills and sleep. all summer.

so the latest drama: people sticking their noses in my business where they don't fucking belong. by the way, if you're reading this, and you're worried about me, talk to ME about it, not your fucking mother or your girlfriend, or MY mother, for christ's sake.

this is my official fucking theme song now.

and a big

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!

to a lot of people.

fucking clutch pigs, as Witch Baby would say.

2003-06-15T01:06:00.000-04:00

i just got back from Top of the Parks in A2. it was fun, but Adam was depressed. i tried to cheer him up by talking about what i would do if i had a little girl one day (let her grow her hair long and wear flowery dresses and eat fruit and dance with teh stars) and how i'm going to build a nest in a tower in ann arbor and throw glitter and flowers on the pedestrians below. didn't really work though.

the music was cool. i saw Alex and Zach and some other people today too, and they had kittens that clung to you and meowed a lot.

leaving early in the morning. don't want to leave. don't want to leave.

don't want to leave.

2003-06-15T00:35:00.000-04:00

Shiny and Pink!

What kind of dildo are you?
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i got it too Chelsea! we're so brilliant!

it makes me happy that i got Kristen Pfaff.

The Withered Lover

What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
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2003-06-14T17:33:00.000-04:00

You are KRISTEN PFAFF! the group's 2nd to last
bassist and by far the best...you were the
beautiful one, the dark smoldering faerie
fuckup with a beautiful soul. You let your
addictions take you over...you will be missed.

Which Hole member are you?
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2003-06-14T17:04:00.000-04:00

i have somehow gotten the CD player to work. PRAISE THE GODS! i thought i was going to die there for awhile without my music.

mostly i've been digging up old CDs and tapes in the basement. i've been wandering around singing old folk songs and reading other peoples' poetry out loud. this seems to make me happy, or sad in a contented way, or something like that.

i listen to Ezra's cds and mostly that makes me pissed off.
this morning Mitch told me that Andy loves The Little Prince. he can't have it. it's Ezra's book, it's his fucking tattoo, Andy can't have it.

so anyway, last night - drunken and running and dancing around Mitch's place (and the street outside her house) with no clothes on. i stripped down on the island in the kitchen as Hole was playing, if i remember correctly. then Angela tried to take my undies off with her teeth and she bit me, and it fucking started bleeding!

yeah Mitch was drunk. i was very buzzed, and there are funny moments.

i've been telling everyone - we watched porn all night last night, we watched it all day today, and I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF PORN and i don't want to have any kind of sex for awhile. at least a few hours, anyway.
last night Mitch tried to make a toast, and it was really hilarious. she was rambling about the toast and somehow got her glass close to her nose and sniffed it and took a big gulp in the middle of her toast, with her eyes closed, and then went on with it.
i woke up this morning with dried blood all over my arms.
stupid me.

i'm supposed to maybe go to Alex's in Chelsea and swim and then go into town and sit in the tunnel with Adam so we can play guitar and read poetry and i will be so adorable that everyone will throw money at us.
sure.
this is all depending on whether or not i am able to get a ride.

I AM GOING TO CHANGE MY BLOGGER TEMPLATE

2003-06-11T18:56:00.000-04:00

Alex: YOU have the hair I'VE wanted since i was seven. too bad we can't just trade.

Alex and Adam came out today to hang with us. it was them, me, Angela, Justin, and Bacon. it was fun, we watched 200 Cigarettes, drank a little, played some guitar, got stoned.
when Adam got home he wrote me an email and spelled my fucking name wrong, but it's cute anyway:

Hey Amand! I was just wanting you to know I had a wonderful time tonight
with your friends and Alex and you! We must hang out many times this
summer if possible.. Maybe we should put on a play... don't mind that
thought im still stoned.. :) hahaha.. anyway you are cool and life is
pretty when im not alone.... or something.

even dead flowers need water and stuff.

-Adam

PS, ill call you tommarow

things i've been writing down lately:

"i'm getting vicodin," he says to Emily, gesturing towards me, "but don't worry, it's not for her."

Marie says things like "spiritually it will make me feel better, spiritually it's the right hting to do"
and
"you are so photogenic"
i think it would be almost impossible for anyone to dislike her.

"that's it, Amanda, just give the door a dirty look and it will open."
-Ken

1.

if you write again i don't know what i'll do.

i am beginning to love/hate you less passionately. i think. maybe not. if you write again, i'll fall again into that old trap of hoping.

i keep thinking about how you used to write me every day, you used to talk about me all the time, but it was just because you were bored in cincinnati and needed entertainment.
now you're in seattle and i'm the little girl stuck on a rock whom you feel obligated to write to once in awhile so she doesn't kill herself.
it bothers me that you realize you have that kind of power.

and like you said, personal attraction, "love" is all just chemical exchanges and pheromones. i hate you.

i hate you because you can manage now. i hate you because you never wanted to fuck, but you did anyway, just because you felt so bad for me.. YOU ARE SO MANY CONTRADICTIONS. i hate you because you have power over me. because you are incapable of love (even of being moved) when i have KNOWN what i felt. i hate you because i can't affect you. i hate you because you've never wanted me, will never want me (because i'm just not good enough.)

on the surface i don't give a shit. i'm making sure you won't ever find out.

i am so fucking sensible that i don't even think about it anymore.
it's fine, i don't even remember you.

if you write again, it will be days before i respond.

2.

it wouldn't mean anything to me if i lived anywhere else.

3.

“wish you had someone to speak code with
wish you had someone to steal things for
wish you had someone to fuck so you could finally go to sleep.
you just want to die a little bit.”
-Nicole Blackman

i’m kind of glad you’ve stopped pretending you care what the fuck happens to me.
(this goes for everyone, but especially you.

i haven’t been anything to you.
i haven’t been shit to you!

i don’t know what it was i thought i found in you. for awhile i thought you really did love me – you were just afraid to succumb to it; or maybe it’s true that you hadn’t figured out what love was. now i’ve realized you just plain didn’t fucking care.
maybe it’s not you that has the power to hurt me. maybe i’m just bitter because every time i’m on the road to getting what i want, shit gets stolen from me.

maybe i just want to be able to write this way, and you’re the closest i’ve got to a sad-lost-love-that-fucker-broke-my-heart story.

i want to listen to music with you IN PERSON and have some more of those intense conversations we used to have IN PERSON and i want us to have everyday experiences like cooking and taking walks and watching old movies together.

maybe i’m selfish because the only thing i ever wanted from you was to be important.
you’re important.
why are you so fucking important??

“you’re sleeping in my memory
like satan”
-Matthew Good

4.

It’s so easy to hide from good things when you don’t think you deserve them.
One morning I woke up before he did, and here was this beautiful thing sleeping next to me, with the light coming in through the window and filtering through his hair, all tousled and unruly. He looked like a fucking angel. I had an overwhelming urge to kiss him on the forehead, but I didn’t think I should. So I turned over and put my back to him and tried to go to sleep.
I’m now looking at a picture of half of us before they left. At that point his hair was so dirty that it just laid flat on his head, like a mop. It almost makes me laugh.

5.

catch the milk

new feats. your eyesight is failing; every time you see an optometrist it gets worse. we’re watching a beautiful girl with volcanoes on her arms, hands, possibly the tops of her feet. and isn’t masochism such a pretty thing. because while you were fucking that weird guy from ecuador you just met, someone somewhere is dying of aids, a human sore even if they can still work, can still walk, can still eat. eventually they won’t be able to do anything.

the girl blends into the wall. her body gives off a curve-less illusion. she likes to play with my hair; could be thinking about someone else. just watches, says she won’t participate because she has a sinus infection that everyone will get. something in me wants to give all of us rosaries and voodoo dolls with tresses woven from the pubic hair of someone i may have once known as jesus. an androgynous gypsy-giver, a dirty venus.

slipped down, foetus poppy milk, because all i want now is a full stomach, a cigarette, and a warm body that will last more than 5 minutes, will last longer than sex.

everything you need falls down in dead petals from the ceiling.

2 am

wearing: huge white t-shirt, orange underwear, jewelry (vending machine cross, key on chain, claddagh ring, elephant ring, love beads), toenail polish (purple on left toes, silver on right), and leftover mascara.
location: 135 East Avenue.
thinking: the zoo on Saturday, Donovan (whoever he is), Ezra (of course)(wherever he is)

looking forward to coffee in the morning, pondering my new books (Blood Sugar - Nicole Blackman) (Johhny Panic & the Bible of Dreams - Sylvia Plath) and the novel i'm currently reading (West of January - Dave Duncan).
shower tomorrow, shave legs.

2:14 am

Apple Jelly.
Peach Jam.
Barred Angel.
(the bottle said Barrel Aged and i thought it said Barred Angel.)

2:20 am

i think Beth is on pages 88-94. the poem is called Dark Daughter. i'm thinking about Beth, and Rob, and Rob and Beth, and the awkwardness that happens inside when people give you beautiful gifts you don't deserve.
it's worse because i can't tell them half of the things i've done to myself, the thoughts i've had, and the person i see every time i look in the mirror.
it's better because i feel loved.

2:32 am

the scale in the bathroom says i weigh about 110 lbs.
i remember when it was 40 and i want to be 7 lbs. 9 oz. again.

3 am

floating in the dark on the top bunk
you frown
because you don't know what it is
what it is here
that makes you keep running

(because everything is chasing you)
(because everyone else was running first)

I AM NOT WHOLE
I AM UNWHOLE
I AM UNHOLY

she calls when she gets home from work
breaks into tears immediately.

(she only needs me when he's gone away.)

and emily, yesterday i bought striped pants and sunglasses and we visited andy at work. i came home and vomited immediately.

i've told you so many times and you always listen, because you're lovely. i miss Ezra's letters. i miss Rob and Beth. i miss falafels.

afraid to move because this could be the last time.

when my grandmother was my age, she stopped eating because she thought someone was trying to poison her.
there was no provocation; she just had the notion in her head.

after one of her divorces she stopped eating and just drank coffee and smoked. now she's telling me i wouldn't be so cold all the time if i would eat an egg every day. if i would just eat more. if i would eat.

i do eat, when i feel like it. most of the time i don't.

me:
Neptune girl
Pluto girl
fragile-white-bone-water girl.
simmering-flame-nervous girl.

me:
stupid girl.

i smell different now, dear. i threw away that vanilla aura. it was not Neptune enough and it became far too heavy for me to carry around.

to the other one:

this might be the last poem about you.

i say i love you
and you don't hear me
i say i wish i could get inside you
and you don't hear me

you've got dragonflies trapped in your hair follicles.

are you vicious?
you just don't want to listen anymore.

AND I WILL NOT FORGET
but you will
am i too holy to touch
or not holy enough for you?

2003-06-09T15:21:00.000-04:00

i made lists of the words that come to mind when i think of these people:

Caitlin: words
Dodo birds
resolutions
swimming
limes
Spanish
guinea pigs
India
feet
peace

Angela: sunglasses
cream
confusion
pills
fingernails
fetuses
cars
love toys
victim/victor
fast food

Ezra: music
weed
oil pastels
enigma
eyes
sand
blue
use
mouth
intangibility

Emily: softball
protection
horses
dreams
criticism
sky
earth
trees
steady-wandering
truth

Chelsea: bubbles
elves
faeries
trees
anxiety
bouncy
craft projects
paganism
color
responsibility

Rob: drinks
music
liquid
cynicism/innocence
hands
creation
knowledge
grudge
layers
cozy-quick

Beth: shoes
curiosity
paint
cookies with sprinkles on top
busy
criticism
modest luxuries
open
inspired-motion-exploration
learning
dancing

Rory: screenplays
obligation
flowers
happy
contradictions
physics
infatuation
caution
impulses
travel

Adam: confusion
self-destruction
Dance Dance Revolution
ceiling
frustration
questions
misunderstandings
restriction
tiaras
wonder

Zach: dinosaurs
the zoo
Naboo (sp?)
grass

Alex: photography
legs
bohemian
alien

some of them will have more added later when i think of new things. for people i don't know too well, like Zach and Alex, there aren't many words.

2003-06-09T14:54:00.000-04:00

let's see. yesterday Emily and i helped Angela with her comic. it was lovely. we were drinking, and they were both sort of blown. i drank more than they did and it didn't affect me much.

new ritual: when all the girls get together, we make Shirley Temples but spike them, so it's like re-living your childhood only better.

last night my grandmother and i watched Girl, Interrupted, and she loved it! i thought she probably would.

a beautiful thing: sitting on the front porch smoking on a breezy spring/summery night, when the whole street is sleeping except for you and the cat, Ebenezer.

2003-06-08T16:50:00.000-04:00

i had a fun night last night. i was supposed to leave for home this morning, but decided to stay another week. anyway, last night Ali Nicholas had her graduation party. it was at her parents' house, but we sort of ended up at her apartment most of the time. at least her friends. i buzzed easy and was kind of drunk because i hadn't eaten all day. that's always pleasant.
of course, there was guitar playing and a fire (you can't get my parents and her parents together and there NOT be that) and they made me sing and play Oh Marie. but it wasn't terrible, and i figured out that i can pick people up that way. after i played like three guys came up to me and were like "wow, that was really great, what's your name again?"

i met a great guy named Kyle. he lives down here, so if we keep in touch it will be another one of those situations i always get myself into, where i meet really cool people who live nowhere near me.

i just found tabs for Passenger by Iggy Pop!! and the chords are really easy, just Am, F, G, and C, i think.

BruisesAreBackIn: I need to come up for an idea for a comic and draw one by tuesday
BruisesAreBackIn: i don't know what it should be about
BruisesAreBackIn: and i'm not that good at drawing things like that
BruisesAreBackIn: I should have it be about a pickle names pie
radio ethers: hahaha
BruisesAreBackIn: maybe that will be what i write it about
BruisesAreBackIn: what should happen to pickle
radio ethers: hmmm... he... goes on a hiking trip and stumbles upon a magical stone that transports him to another universe where people shaped like celery walk around shooting each other
BruisesAreBackIn: YAY!
radio ethers: and he finds a celery boy, since he's gay, who isn't violent like all the rest, but is still traumatized from such a violent childhood, and he falls in love iwth him
BruisesAreBackIn: what should the ending be like?
radio ethers: but the celery boy is in prison, for protesting the violence, and he can't come back to earth with pickle
radio ethers: and so pickle goes home very disappointed and sad
radio ethers: and then...
radio ethers: well, do you want it to have a happy or a sad ending?
BruisesAreBackIn: happy
radio ethers: well
radio ethers: hmm.. how could the celery boy get transported to earth?
radio ethers: you can figure that out
radio ethers: but anyway somehow he does and they live happily ever after
radio ethers: even though most people think pickles and celery don't really go together
BruisesAreBackIn: okay
BruisesAreBackIn: haha!
BruisesAreBackIn: thankyou..
BruisesAreBackIn: now i have to try to draw celery and pickles

2003-06-07T01:25:00.000-04:00

WHAT TYPE OF WILD CREATURE ARE YOU? (New Pictures!)
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2003-06-07T01:22:00.000-04:00

i just recently got back from Maggie's. early night, but my parents are having a fire in the backyard with guitars (not burning the guitars, just playing them) so i can hang out there. i don't know what hte fuck i'm doing on the damned computer.
Josh wrote his email address and phone number on my arm and i just realized that underneath the number it says "call free sex"

and we stood in the parking lot of McDonald's for an hour talking to these guys named Kendall and Ryan who are somehow involved with one of the bands that played tonight. we had conversations about sex and food and treehouses. they wanted to get laid, i think.

i think the heart-shaped answer is pretty fucking right. "you're a love song that scares people and makes them feel special at the same time."

2003-06-07T01:13:00.000-04:00

Unreciprocated Love

Which Life Stage Are You?
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2003-06-05T22:30:00.000-04:00

i just got back from visiting Marie at her new house in Ann Arbor. Ron is down visiting her from the bay. the house is really adorable - it's tiny - but just perfect for Marie - and they're doing work on it.. but whoever owned it before left BEAUTIFUL gardens there! it's so fantastic. flowers and vegetables and all kinds of things. so we sat around and drank beer and wine and had hors d'oevres. and on the way home the radio played Rebel Rebel, and it made me smile.

i've pissed off a lot of people down here. except Adam, he still wants to hang out. but hopefully things have been smoothed over. i know that everyone is busy a lot, and yeah i guess i'm stupid and dramatic and selfish. i just get twitchy and feel dependent sometimes. now Angela hates me and Chelsea probably does too and i think Emily's still mad at me even though she says it's okay now since i apologized. and i know it's my fault but i don't like it.

mixed feelings. things that make me happy: david bowie, billy idol, red nail polish, pink bathwater, being a passenger in a car that's driving fast, beverages that come in glass bottles, cuddling, being loved, loving someone else, bjork, getting paint all over me, thunderstorms, swimming in the rain, jones sodas, red wine, vicodin, gin, moonlight boat rides, letters in the real mail, food that men cook for me, and a lot of other things.

Young. Really young. I'd say anywhere from 15-35.
But you'll go out with a bang. You'll get in a
car accident or be shot. You'll never have to
see yourself get old. Sad though. Really sad.
By the way, its common knowledge that more
people with great goals and aspirations die
young. And if you want to die old, you'll die
young and vice versa.

At what age will you die?
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Russia -
Once a worldwide superpower, its days of power are
now gone. Barely able to sustain itself, it
was once feared, lauded and powerful.

Positives:

Powerful History.

Nuclear-Capable (Barely).

Militaristic.

Negatives:

Poor.

Alcoholic.

Stereotyped and Badly Represented.

Which Country of the World are You?
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Aneurysm

What Nirvana song are you?
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You are.....Heart-shaped box

What nirvana song are you?
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there are a BUNCH of different quizzes.. by different people.. that are supposed to tell you which Nirvana song you are. so i'm taking a bunch of them.

you're come as you are!

What Nirvana Video Are You?
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2003-06-04T20:20:00.000-04:00

Pink:
You see the world in bright pink. The world is a
happy, happy place! You love all people and
things!! Life is great! You're just like a
happy child. Spread the cheer.

Made by
Sara

What color do you see the world in?
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my earlier one was grey. so those are the two colours i see the world in. it alternates: pink, then grey, pink, then grey, pink grey pink grey and it gets confusing.

2003-06-04T20:13:00.000-04:00

I am an overly happy A.D.D kitten

Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you?
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2003-06-04T20:09:00.000-04:00

look! Tina the Troubled Teen is now on my page! loveliness.

2003-06-04T20:04:00.000-04:00

You are Brian Molko!

Who are you?
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2003-06-02T23:21:00.000-04:00

i had fun at Caitlin's graduation party and i just got back from a fire at Dan's.
there were about 100 people at Caitlin's, and it was fun. and i hung out with caitlin's friends: zach and adam and rory and rob and katy and max and steph; intelligent people with interesting opinions .. but SUPER CLEAN KIDS. i felt a little out of place with them though, since they're such academic good kids. we went to the gravel pit and climbed this big hill and watched the dark. it was lovely... and rob and adam pissed off the side, and Rob and i sang White Wedding and it was so fantastic.

zach is crazy
he was "playing games" by sticking his head close to the fire and rocking back and forth, and he's always talking about Nabubians and how he's from the planet Nabu and all this crazy shit. i tried to carry him and he's 6'2" and i only got like a foot.. then he carried me a long ways.

i spent the night there and this guy Monty was rambling about his sleepwalking, it was hilarious.. we talked about dreams, and i talked to this girl Steph for an hour about the british invasion and old black and white films.

this morning caitlin and i decorated her guinea pig Dorrie's box while listening to Billie Holiday, and we played the Sims on the computer.. last time i was there i created this lesbian couple.. Philomena and Frances.. and they hate each other! Frances is in love with some other guy and they had a fire and the lawn caught fire. my people piss a lot and they leave food out and it gets covered in flies. they drop dishes on the floor.

then i came home.. and emily and i went to Meijer's and i got new pants and sunglasses, and then we stopped by the station. andy and connor and that other kid were there and we talked to them. then i came home and puked for some reason, and went to Dan's and had a little fire and talked for a long time about life and cooking and masturbation. fun times. now i'm home, early, but that's alright because i'm tired.

2003-06-01T13:26:00.000-04:00

Rory sent me an email and this is all it said:

I like everyone. Sometime we should go on a walk at night. Cool people should come with us. And we can drink rootbeer and play with shadow-puppets. and i love everyone.

Rory

awwww. there are few things more lovely than people with penises who are happy and/or in love.

2003-05-28T23:30:00.000-04:00

Fake Plastic Trees is in my head. it makes me happy/sad. you know.. THAT kind of happy/sad... i want to listen to it in a car with the windows open when it's warm out with a bunch of other people and sing along to it at the top of our lungs.

2003-05-28T23:25:00.000-04:00

note to me that Angela posted in her blog that i think is funny:

"Hello Amanda..you know I have an email address you big goof. I think you need to lay off the vic's man. 6 is too much, but i'm not going to tell you what to do..Miss All Knowing Goddess of Something she doesn't care about..

Fuck that doesn't make sense. See ya when you come down"

oh yeah, Angie i would have emailed you except that for some reason it just didn't occur to me. or maybe it occurred to me but i envisioned some kind of blockage that would make you not reply.. or my brain is just not here all the time. AHHH.

Ron wanted me to mow his lawn today but i was too scared so i declined. i hate working for friends, because of the potential ruining of the relationship. and what if i screw it up, and don't mow it right, and he yells at me? AHHH.

i sort of tried to stay here instead of going to GL but i couldn't get away with it. it was just an attack of temporary (?) paranoia about bothering people when i come down. so maybe i'll jsut come down.. and hole up in my grandmother's house and not go anywhere.

2003-05-27T00:16:00.000-04:00

Zach and i are planning a trip to the zoo.

news: leaving Thursday for Grass Lake. yay!

2003-05-25T22:36:00.000-04:00

sad realization:

i am going to be alone for the rest of my goddamned life.

2003-05-25T22:27:00.000-04:00

wondering:

will i always feel violent?

will i always feel scrutinized?

will i always be ambivalent about everything? (the main thing is how everyone thinks i'm just effeminate and wimpy... when that's not the way i feel at all. everyone thinks i need bodyguards. everyone thinks i'm too little.

(+ why do i feel these things at all)

when can i slice off all of this fat,
why do i feel like i need things i probably don't need,

why am i so afraid of everything????

2003-05-25T17:55:00.000-04:00

RDawg888: cho just returned from alma
radio ethers: alma?
RDawg888: which was a blast
RDawg888: i had a very excellent time
RDawg888: we play the alma highland games in alma michigan
radio ethers: oh cool
RDawg888: so ... lots of large, drunk, scottish guys in dresses with swords
radio ethers: sounds fun to me!

2003-05-24T20:20:00.000-04:00

teleri moses: i hate salespeople
radio ethers: who doesn't?
radio ethers: who is a salesperson?
teleri moses: my brother is one
teleri moses: gabe
radio ethers: ohhh
radio ethers: so basically you hate your brother?
teleri moses: no
teleri moses: i just think he's giving in to the dark side
teleri moses: of the force
teleri moses: or something

2003-05-24T19:52:00.000-04:00

TREE PERSONALITIES!!! i just remembered this system of .. i don't know... maybe Celtic "tree astrology"..

i'm the Rowan tree.

Rowan, the Sensitivity

Full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

here's Emily and Chelsea:

Poplar, the Uncertainty

Looks very decorative, no self-confident behaviour, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Angela:

Elm, the Noble-Minuteness

Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends to not forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, tends to a know-all attitude and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

let's see... who else could we do...

i don't know. i don't remember EVERYONE'S birthday. if you want me to post other peoples', just ask and i will.

2003-05-24T19:36:00.000-04:00

today was alright. SORT of productive.. i did a lot of dishes and cleaned some litter boxes. but that's about it.

i'm feeling shitty physically right now. i took 6 vicodin last night, which i guess is more than you're SUPPOSED to take.. but i felt good. this morning i felt absolutely fine.. but as the day progressed i was feeling more and more sick. i took a shower and felt alright for awhile, but then i ate something and now i think i need to puke again.

maybe it's just food.. maybe i should stop eating.

Angela, i wanna hear from you!

2003-05-22T23:11:00.000-04:00

i'm reading through some old emails from ezra. interesting, funny, but mostly sad.

i've had a shitty day. i can't sit still. i don't know why. i don't think i want to be alive anymore.

2003-05-20T23:13:00.000-04:00

ohhhhhhhh good weekend.

Lady midnight14: whatcha been up to besides acting out porn movies?

drunk/stoned fun weekend. puked a couple times, but only in the morning, which is good. i can't say exactly what went on, not good to overly publicize things.

but it all started with strip foozeball.

2003-05-12T20:55:00.000-04:00

Rob told me on Friday that he found some of my clothes balled up in their couch cushions after Beth left for France. at first i was afraid he was going to say they were some of my underwear but actually it was only a shirt. phew.

one of the most perfect quotes ever

i'm floating high but i'm always down

- KT

2003-05-07T23:48:00.000-04:00

purpleorboflight: darling
radio ethers: hi
purpleorboflight: dewdrop
radio ethers: haha
radio ethers: www.bastardgenres.com/wholed great writing
purpleorboflight: whatcha doin?
radio ethers: trying to ignore star wars noises
radio ethers: you/
radio ethers: are you still mad at me?
purpleorboflight: alright so you aren't mad at me?
radio ethers: no i'm not mad at you, but i'm not changing anything
purpleorboflight: again?
purpleorboflight: I wasn't mad at you
purpleorboflight: just frustrated and moody and depressed
radio ethers: oh
purpleorboflight: alright I'll quit harpin on you
radio ethers: okay
purpleorboflight: Ken seems to think I need to leave you alone and that you have more sense then I think
purpleorboflight: maybe hes right
radio ethers: he is. i won't do anything stupid. believe me
purpleorboflight: okay I just love you too much, I can't even bare the thought of losing you, I just don't know what i'd do with myself
radio ethers: don't worry emily, i'm not planning on dying in this fucking place.
purpleorboflight: I get way too stressed out about shit that probably won't even happen
purpleorboflight: habit I suppose
radio ethers: yeah, it's okay
radio ethers: i'm listening to fiona apple
purpleorboflight: I'm getting sick

one of The Breeders' songs i keep listening to:

Do You Love Me Now?

If I saw you now
Could I look in your eyes?

Do you think of me
Like I dream of you?

Do you wish you were here
Like I wish I was with you?

You've loved me before
Do you love me now?

Does love ever end
When two hearts have torn away?
Or does it go on
And beat strong anyway?
You've loved me before
Do you love me now?

Come back to me right now!
C'mon c'mon come back to me right now!

C'mon c'mon come back to me right now!
C'mon c'mon come on!

You've loved me before
Do you love me now?

You've loved me before
Do you love me now?

the way the song sounds is very beautiful and soothing.

another one:

Roi

Raw: where the shot leaves me gagging for the arrow

2003-05-07T22:23:00.000-04:00

i'm not depressed, i'm sad. i've begun to have an aversion to the word "depression" because it's such an epidemic of a medical term. i'm just sad. it's not depression it's reactional sadness. i'm just sad and lonely.

jasmine nelson is my new hero.

2003-05-06T22:09:00.000-04:00

Trillium is sitting in my lap, i'm not a junkie, and i haven't eaten dinner yet.

2003-05-06T21:52:00.000-04:00

i hate how they use awesome songs in car commercials, and it makes me embarrassed that i like them!!!!

2003-05-06T21:17:00.000-04:00

Chelsea - you're so sweet, i miss you too! it's wonderful when your friends can watch you vomit all over yourself and still love you.

i'm back in Canada. deciding whether or not i want to be a hermit.

2003-05-04T21:23:00.000-04:00

i think i have another cavity in one of my top left molars. it hurts when i bite down.

"you make me want to send five cents to Unicef"
- Chelsea

2003-05-04T13:09:00.000-04:00

it doesn't last.
every fucking time i feel alright
it's wrong.

this lady's website.

2003-05-03T17:05:00.000-04:00

Tripatourium then go to Eye Candy then click on Flashback you will be amazed.. be patient though the little bug has to fly around for awhile before the truly interesting stuff starts happening.

2003-05-02T13:48:00.000-04:00

EMILY HAS A BLOGGER NOW!!!! YAY!!!!!!

(by the way, i'm in grass lake. leaving on monday. DAMNIT.

2003-05-02T13:47:00.000-04:00

You are most like Penelope Dreamweaver!
Inspiration. Magical dreams. Visions.
Weaver of dreams, bringer of visions, muse of
artistic inspiration.

What Faerie are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

it's recently occurred to me that this is the most important thing to me, in my life (right now at least):

every person carries inside him or her a sort of internal culture. a personal culture. it consists of the ideas and experiences of the particular individual. every person's internal culture is constantly changing, but always somehow stays the same as well. i think the most important thing in the world is meeting other people and sharing your internal culture with them, and allowing them to share theirs with you. then, you are each an influential factor in each other's internal cultures, and it makes life so much richer.

i've been thinking about changing. i realize that a year ago today i was quite different than i am now. it compels me to wonder what i'll be like in another year, what kinds of changes i'll undergo. looking at life that way makes everything so exciting!

happy birthday YESTERDAY, chelsea!!!!!

2003-04-29T22:46:00.000-04:00

"he's a big, fucking penis in a fancy suit"
- rory's screenplay

2003-04-29T22:32:00.000-04:00

EVERYONE. go to Tainted Thoughts and read avocadodream's poetry. it's very good. especially "in the car at 3"

new idea - let's go to Chelsea's prom and stage a protest on the roof.

Rory's screenplay is pretty damned good.

2003-04-29T22:05:00.000-04:00

Rory says he's trying to write a screenplay to make a movie over the summer. "I've tried lots of things that didn't work. The one i'm on now doesn't work slightly better than previous attempts which didn't work.... the idea is that i'm going to write a movie and some friends and i are going to make it over the summer. We have, basically, all the necessary equipment and some decently talented actors. I just have to write a goddamned script."

i'm reading what he has so far now, as he sent it to me.

2003-04-29T21:37:00.000-04:00

GOD i need some fucking cigarettes.

2003-04-29T21:35:00.000-04:00

Angela - Emily - Chelsea - thank you all for being so fucking beautiful! you three have continually inspired me for years now, free of charge and judgement. you're not afraid to admit that you love. that's so fucking beautiful.
i'm so excited to get to the states. let's all go out to AA for a night, get hold of some champagne, and be luxurious and pick up some pretty boys and girls.
oh yeah - and we have to crash someone's prom. maybe the one in Chelsea??

i'm on a huge David Bowie kick, still. he was, and is still, so fucking pretty, talented, etc.

2003-04-28T17:38:00.000-04:00

those colorquiz results were from earlier today. i'm in a terribly good mood now that i'm pretty sure we're going to the states so i decided to take it again.

Your Existing Situation
Imaginative and sensitive; seeking an outlet for these qualities--especially in the company of someone equally sensitive. Interest and enthusiasm are readily aroused by the unusual or the adventurous.

Your Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels listless, hemmed in, and anxious; considers that circumstances and forcing her to restrain her desires. Wants to avoid open conflict with others and to have peace and quiet.
Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.

Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Considers the existing circumstances disagreeable and over-demanding. Refuses to allow anything to influence her point of view.

Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. Her inability to enforce her will causes her to over-react in stubborn defiance and by assigning to others all the blame for her own failures.

interesting. apparently i'm STILL not completely happy.

okay here are some DB lyrics from my favourites off of Diamond Dogs

Future Legend

And in the death
As the last few corpses lay rotting on the slimy thoroughfare
The shutters lifted in inches in Temperance Building
High on Poacher's Hill
And red mutant eyes gaze down on Hunger City
No more big wheels

Fleas the size of rats sucked on rats the size of cats
And ten thousand peoploids split into small tribes
Coveting the highest of the sterile skyscrapers
Like packs of dogs assaulting the glass fronts of Love-Me Avenue
Ripping and rewrapping mink and shiny silver fox, now legwarmers
Family badge of sapphire and cracked emerald
Any day now

The Year of the Diamond Dogs

Diamond Dogs

(spoken) This ain't rock'n'roll. This is genocide!

As they pulled you out of the oxygen tent
You asked for the latest party
With your silicone hump and your ten inch stump
Dressed like a priest you was
Tod Browning's freak you was

Crawling down the alley on your hands and knee
I'm sure you're not protected, for it's plain to see
The diamond dogs are poachers and they hide behind trees
Hunt you to the ground they will, mannequins with kill appeal

CHORUS
(Will they come?)
I'll keep a friend serene
(Will they come?)
Oh baby, come unto me
(Will they come?)
Well, she's come, been and gone.
Come out of the garden, baby
You'll catch your death in the fog
Young girl, they call them the Diamond Dogs
Young girl, they call them the Diamond Dogs

The Halloween Jack is a real cool cat
And he lives on top of Manhattan Chase
The elevator's broke, so he slides down a rope
Onto the street below, oh Tarzie, go man go

Meet his little hussy with his ghost town approach
Her face is sans feature, but she wears a Dali brooch
Sweetly reminiscent, something mother used to bake
Wrecked up and paralyzed, Diamond Dogs are sableized

CHORUS

Oo-oo-ooh, call them the Diamond Dogs (x2)

In the year of the scavenger, the season of the bitch
Sashay on the boardwalk, scurry to the ditch
Just another future song, lonely little kitsch
(There's gonna be sorrow) try and wake up tomorrow

CHORUS

Ooh, call them the Diamond Dogs (x2)
Bow-wow, woof woof, bow-wow, wow
Call them the Diamond Dogs
Dogs
Call them the Diamond Dogs, call them, call them
Call them the Diamond Dogs, call them, call them, ooo
Call them the Diamond Dogs

Keep cool
Diamond Dogs rule, OK
Hey-hey-hey-hey

Beware of the Diamond Dogs (repeat)

Sweet Thing

It's safe in the city, to love in a doorway
To wrangle some screams from the dawn
And isn't it me, putting pain in a stranger?
Like a portrait in flesh, who trails on a leash
Will you see that I'm scared and I'm lonely?
So I'll break up my room, and yawn and I
Run to the centre of things
Where the knowing one says

CHORUS
Boys, boys, its a sweet thing
Boys, boys, its a sweet thing, sweet thing
If you want it, boys, get it here, thing
'Cause hope, boys, is a cheap thing, cheap thing

I'm glad that you're older than me
Makes me feel important and free
Does that make you smile, isn't that me?
I'm in your way, and I'll steal every moment
If this trade is a curse, then I'll bless you
And turn to the crossroads of Hamburg, as in

CHORUS

Candidate

I'll make you a deal, like any other candidate
We'll pretend we're walking home 'cause your future's at stake
My set is amazing, it even smells like a street
There's a bar at the end where I can meet you and your friend
Someone scrawled on the wall "I smell the blood of les tricoteuses"
Who wrote up scandals in other bars

I'm having so much fun with the poisonous people
Spreading rumours and lies and stories they made up
Some make you sing and some make you scream
One makes you wish that you'd never been seen
But there's a shop on the corner that's selling papier mache
Making bullet-proof faces, Charlie Manson, Cassius Clay
If you want it, boys, get it here, thing

So you scream out of line
"I want you! I need you! Anyone out there? Any time?"
Tres butch little number whines "Hey dirty, I want you
When it's good, it's really good, and when it's bad I go to pieces"
If you want it, boys, get it here, thing

Well, on the street where you live I could not hold up my head
For I put all I have in another bed
On another floor, in the back of a car
In the cellar of a church with the door ajar
Well, I guess we must be looking for a different kind
But we can't stop trying 'til we break up our minds
'Til the sun drips blood on the seedy young knights
Who press you on the ground while shaking in fright
I guess we could cruise down one more time
With you by my side, it should be fine
We'll buy some drugs and watch a band
Then jump in the river holding hands

Sweet Thing (Reprise)

If you want it, boys, get it here thing
'Cause hope, boys, is a cheap thing, cheap thing

Is it nice in your snow storm, freezing your brain?
Do you think that your face looks the same?
Then let it be, it's all I ever wanted
It's a street with a deal, and a taste
It's got claws, it's got me, it's got you

Rebel Rebel

Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo (3 times)

You've got your mother in a whirl
She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl
Hey babe, your hair's alright
Hey babe, let's go out tonight
You like me, and I like it all
We like dancing and we look divine
You love bands when they're playing hard
You want more and you want it fast
They put you down, they say I'm wrong
You tacky thing, you put them on

CHORUS
Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress
Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess
Rebel Rebel, how could they know?
Hot tramp, I love you so!

Don't ya?
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo

You've got your mother in a whirl 'cause she's
Not sure if you're a boy or a girl
Hey babe, your hair's alright
Hey babe, let's stay out tonight
You like me, and I like it all
We like dancing and we look divine
You love bands when they're playing hard
You want more and you want it fast
They put you down, they say I'm wrong
You tacky thing, you put them on

CHORUS

Don't ya?
Oh?
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo (2 times)

CHORUS

You've torn your dress, your face is a mess
You can't get enough, but enough ain't the test
You've got your transmission and your live wire
You got your cue line and a handful of ludes
You wanna be there when they count up the dudes
And I love your dress
You're a juvenile success
Because your face is a mess
So how could they know?
I said, how could they know?

So what you wanna know
Calamity's child, chi-chile, chi-chile
Where'd you wanna go?
What can I do for you? Looks like you've been there too
'Cause you've torn your dress
And your face is a mess
Ooo, your face is a mess
Ooo, ooo, so how could they know?
Eh, eh, how could they know?
Eh, eh

Big Brother

Don't talk of dust and roses
Or should we powder our noses?
Don't live for last year's capers
Give me steel, give me steel, give me pulsars unreal

He'll build a glass asylum
With just a hint of mayhem
He'll build a better whirlpool
We'll be living from sin, then we can really begin

Please savior, saviour, show us
Hear me, I'm graphically yours

CHORUS
Someone to claim us, someone to follow
Someone to shame us, some brave Apollo
Someone to fool us, someone like you

We want you Big Brother, Big Brother

I know you think you're awful square
But you made everyone and you've been every where
Lord, I'd take an overdose if you knew what's going down

CHORUS (3 times)

We want you Big Brother

Chant Of The Ever Circling Skeletal Family

CHANT (6 times)
Brother
Ooh-ooh
Shake it up, shake it up
Move it up, move it up

Bro bro bro bro bro bro bro bro bro (repeat ad inf.)

2003-04-28T17:24:00.000-04:00

yesterday i posted all these David Bowie lyrics in here and then my goddamned computer crashed!!!! grrrr. i guess i'll try again.

i called Angela Sunday. that was lovely.

anyway everyone - good news - i hope - i hope - it looks like we'll be leaving for GL on Thursday!! my parents are going to try to get to Birch today, and if the ice is melted enough we'll leave thursday. we'll only be there until monday but it's better than nothing.

Hey Chelsea thanks for reminding me of the color quiz! i haven't taken it in months.. i've found it to be a generally accurate representation of my mental state. here are my results for today:

Your Existing Situation
Sensitive and understanding but under some strain; needs to unwind in the company of someone close to her.

Your Stress Sources
The situation is regarded as threatening or dangerous. Outraged by the thought that she will be unable to achieve her goals and distressed at the feeling of helplessness to remedy this. Over-extended and feels beset, possibly to the point of nervous prostration.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she is burdened with more than her fair share of problems. However, she sticks to her goals and tries to overcome her difficulties by being flexible and accommodating.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Has an imperative need for some bond or fusion with another which will prove sensually fulfilling, but which will not conflict with her convictions or sense of fitness.

Your Actual Problem
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

2003-04-27T09:25:00.000-04:00

Ange - Sympathy for the Devil was a Stones song.. i didn't know Jane's Addiction covered it.. how interesting. + i'm sorry i haven't called you - actually i have, about 5 times but could never get through. damn people at your house need to get off the phone sometimes!

yesterday we had dinner at Gerry + Kathy's. the ice isn't out yet but it is enough to get to their place. anyway we ended up crashing there.. it was a fun time.. i guess. after everyone else went to sleep Ron and i stayed up talking for awhile, about art and some politics, the world. now i'm home again..

i didn't drink that much last night (i only had a couple of beers and a shot of yukon jack) .. i just didn't feel like it. i guess because on Friday i was up late and the vicodin kicked in around 3 am, and then i sort of passed out and didn't get up till 2:30 in the afternoon and felt groggy most of Saturday during the day.

anyway.........!

2003-04-26T02:19:00.000-04:00

i've begun being active on Tainted Thoughts again.. as much as it's letting me! some of the shit still doesn't work.. it won't let me submit poetry, do forum stuff, look at comics, or other things.. maybe it's just my slow connection. ACK.

2003-04-22T21:17:00.000-04:00

Once again, Murray is a rather comical/odd character. Today the phone rang and I picked it up.
“Hello?”
(the voice at the other end of the line is slow and sensuous.
“Hello…”
(I’m taken slightly off guard)
“May I ask who’s calling?”
“It’s your dream boy…”
(by now I’ve recognized the voice as his, and I get the joke.)
“Oh. It must be Murray, then.”
“Yeah. Whatcha doing?”
“Playing solitaire. You?”
“Just laying on the bed… naked…”

I had a bunch of jelly beans in a bunch of different colours – yellow, white, black, purple, green, red, orange, and pink – and I separated them all by colour and put each colour into a different jar or container or box of some sort that was already lying around my room. then I made my sister search for every different colour, as a sort of game. she thought it was fun, I guess. now I have jelly beans in containers all over my room, randomly, sort of.

2003-04-21T12:31:00.000-04:00

everyone!!! i finally figured out where the phrases "blogger", "blog" and "blogging" came from!!!
excerpted from Blogger's "About Blogger" page:
"Blogger is the leading tool in the rapidly growing area of web publishing known as weblogs, or 'blogs.'"
so, the words "blogger" "blog" and "blogging" have their roots in the word "weblogger" "weblog" and "weblogging".
now we can all sleep more peacefully!

the past -24 hours have been interesting. let's see, yesterday was Easter, if you're into mindlessly celebrating religious holidays you don't necessarily agree with in principle (my easter included gifts of lots of chocolate and a tiny pink stuffed lamb that i named Boy George, so i withheld protest)...
we had Ron over for dinner. as i may have mentioned, we're right in the middle of break-up. the channel behind our house never freezes, and the small bay ron's place is in is still pretty much frozen.. so my dad picked him up by driving a boat up to the edge of the ice in ron's bay where ron met him after walking from his house to the water.
it was an interesting evening of food, political and artistic conversation, alcohol etc. Ron lent us his dvd The Impressionists.. that should be interesting to watch.
Ron decided to go home before it got completely dark, as he had to be careful walking over the potentially thin ice to his house. my dad dropped him off at the edge of the ice, he stepped out onto it, and fell through. climbed back out, fell through again. so he ended up just crashing here.
that guy has the worst luck - or he just pushes his luck because he doesn't care too much. i swear he falls through the ice at least twice every fucking year.

2003-04-20T01:00:00.000-04:00

some lyrics to one of the Dixie Chicks songs that i actually really like:

Sin Wagon

He pushed me 'round
now I'm drawin' the line
He lived his life
now I'm gonna go live mine
I'm sick on wastin' my time
Well now I've been good for way too long
Found my red dress and I'm gonna throw it on
I've got nothin' to lose and nothin' to gain
'Bout to get too far gone

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little but more of my tweleve ounce nutrition
One more helpin' of what I've been havin'
I'm takin' my turn on the sin wagon

On a mission to make something happen
Feel like Delilah lookin' for Samson
Do a little mattress dancin'
That's right I said mattress dancin'

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little bit more
of what I've been missin'
I don't know where I'll be crashin'
But I'm arrivin' on a sin wagon

When it's my turn to march up to old glory
I'm gonna have one hell of a story
That's if he forgives me

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little bit more of that sweet salvation
They may take me
with my feel draggin'
But I'll fly away on a sin wagon

I'll fly away on a sin wagon

2003-04-19T18:08:00.000-04:00

Sweet Cherrie is kind of neat. eh?

2003-04-19T14:04:00.000-04:00

new poem:

Mirror

I’m planting an upside-down garden in the ceiling.
It will have pink insulated roots and the stems
will be so strong
they’ll slide effortlessly through the wood to the other side.
A thicket, a tangle of vines,

above me.

The flowers will all bloom
up there –
violets, dahliahs, deadly nightshade
and roses of all different kinds
they will blow kisses downward
and I will dream at them from below.

Two windchimes live in the garden.
They’re soulmates
but they’re still on opposite sides of the ceiling
and have yet to find each other.
Sometimes one will vaguely hear the other’s ring
and think it a trick of the mind.

Strange and beautiful things inhabit the garden
one day they will invite me too
they’ll say “fly up, and live with us
you’re worthy now
you’re finally beautiful enough.”

In the garden I’ll be sleek and lovely
growing miniature vineyards around my wrists
and I will taste like molasses
and I will bleed champagne

4/17/03

i called Emily yesterday (i think it was yesterday).. that was good. today i feel vaguely like i'm going to puke.. HEAD CRAM.. and i need some more sleep.

i'm on a bit of a Fleetwood Mac kick now.. i recently taped that reunion concert they did a little while ago, it was cool. Courtney Love was in the audience, clapping ferociously! so here are lyrics from some of my favourites of their songs:

Rhiannon

Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night
and wouldn't you love to love her?
she rules her life like a bird in flight
and who will be her lover?

all your life you've never seen
a woman taken by the wind
would you stay if she promised you heaven?
will you ever win?

rhiannon....
rhiannon....
rhiannon....

she is like a cat in the dark
and then she is the darkness
she rules her life like a fine skylark
and when the sky is starless

all your life you've never seen
a woman taken by the wind
would you stay if she promised you heaven?
will you ever win?

rhiannon...
rhiannon...
rhiannon...

dreams unwind
love's a state of mind

Dreams

Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat .. drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost ...
And what you had ...
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say .. Women ... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean .. you'll know

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and ...
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness ...
Like a heartbeat ... drives you mad ...
In the stillness of remembering what you had ...
And what you lost ...
And what you had ...
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say .. Women ... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean .. you'll know

Gold Dust Woman

Rock on -- gold dust woman
Take your silver spoon
And dig your grave

Heartless challenge
Pick your path and I'll pray

Wake up in the morning
See your sunrise -- loves -- to go down
Lousy lovers -- pick their prey
But they never cry out loud

Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now -- do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home.

Rock on -- ancient woman
Follow those who pale
In your shadow

Rulers make bad lovers
You better put your kingdom up for sale

Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now -- do you know how
Pickup the pieces and go home.

Silver Springs

You could be my silver spring
Blue-green colors flashing
I would be your only dream
Your shining over ocean crashing

Don't say that she's pretty
And did you say that she loved you
Baby I don't want to know

So I begin not to love you
Turn 'round, see me running
I say I loved you years ago
But tell myself you never loved me no

And don't say that she's pretty
And did you say that she loved you
Baby I don't want to know

Oh no

And can you tell me was it worth it
Baby I don't want to know

Time cast a spell on you
But you won't forget me
I know I could have loved you
But you would not let me

Time cast a spell on you
But you won't forget me
I know I could have loved you
But you would not let me

I follow you down 'till the sound
Of my voice will haunt you
(Give me just a chance)
You'll never get away from the sound
Of the woman who loves you
(Was I just a fool)

I follow you down 'till the sound
Of my voice will haunt you
(Give me just a chance)
You'll never get away from the sound
Of the woman who loves you
(Was I just a fool)

2003-04-17T23:25:00.000-04:00

BruisesAreBackIn: I was going to send you my monthy menstruation email if I didn't see you on.
radio ethers: your monthly what email?
radio ethers: OH
radio ethers: pms
BruisesAreBackIn: I was getting that feeling I always get before I send you one of those letters. Like I'm incredibly happy, but so sad at the same time.
BruisesAreBackIn: hehe, the ones I always send you when I'm on my period.
radio ethers: hehe, yeah. god i know what you mean.. i've kind of been feeling like that lately. i was really depressed for a little while, a few days.. and now i'm feeling so creative and full of energy and love and i have no one to give it to, directly.
radio ethers: i did two paintings today
radio ethers: so how are you? what's going on???
BruisesAreBackIn: I feel so sad..My fish are depressed! I need to clean their water. I need to get a bigger fish tank, and more fish so they can have a little fish world in their little fish tank. And I need to get them a filter to keep there water cleaner!
BruisesAreBackIn: My poor fish..they are so depressed.
radio ethers: i didn't even know you had fish
BruisesAreBackIn: ooh. I want to paint. I've been thinking about starting another painting I just don't have the time.
radio ethers: yeah... i have tons of time, just usually no motivation
BruisesAreBackIn: well they were my sisters fish but she never took care of them, so they are mine now, because i'm the only one that cleans there water and feeds them.
BruisesAreBackIn: but they are still depressed.
radio ethers: oh. do they have names?
BruisesAreBackIn: i can tell by the way they swim around
BruisesAreBackIn: well, yes, but no.
BruisesAreBackIn: they don't have perminant names because i can't ever remember what i named them
radio ethers: maybe if they had names they'd be happier?
radio ethers: hahaha
BruisesAreBackIn: I always just call them fishies
radio ethers: hehe
BruisesAreBackIn: I always say "Hi, fishy fishies!"
BruisesAreBackIn: I think, last time I named them they were..Bob, and..oh shit..
BruisesAreBackIn: see what I mean
BruisesAreBackIn: Prudence died..
radio ethers: oh, no!!! prudence is a good name
BruisesAreBackIn: I can't remember the other ones name
BruisesAreBackIn: Maybe it could just be Bob1 and Bob2 I think I could remember those.
radio ethers: that's fantastic
BruisesAreBackIn: My memory has been so bad lately, I always remember things at the oddest times. Like days from now I'll remember the fishes damn name, but i won't care then because I'll probably be somewhere else not thinking about my depressed fish

BruisesAreBackIn: I love you too! I miss you!
BruisesAreBackIn: my fish make me want to cry..
radio ethers: awwww
BruisesAreBackIn: i'm going to start changing their water. I have to..I feel so bad for just sitting here, while they swim around depressed in their little tank

BruisesAreBackIn: I changed the fish water
radio ethers: oh, goody
radio ethers: i hope the fishes get happier
BruisesAreBackIn: in about 15 minutes i can put them in the water.
radio ethers: cool.
BruisesAreBackIn: i feel better now.
radio ethers: that's good
BruisesAreBackIn: after i put the fishies in their new clean water, i'm doing to feed them.
BruisesAreBackIn: then they will be really happy
radio ethers: that's good.
radio ethers: oh, i just said that...
radio ethers: i was SO happy today while i was painting.. for a little while
radio ethers: it was fantastic
radio ethers: yep.
radio ethers: now i feel like talking to someone.
radio ethers: a lot
BruisesAreBackIn: I love you!
radio ethers: tehehe.. i love you too
BruisesAreBackIn: I'm going to work on a portrait of Courtney Love.
radio ethers: cool
BruisesAreBackIn: She's so beautiful.
radio ethers: have you already started it?
BruisesAreBackIn: No not yet, I've done little sketches, now I'm going to do it on bigger paper
radio ethers: are you gonna do it right now?
BruisesAreBackIn: no, probably tonight though
BruisesAreBackIn: i'll start on it
BruisesAreBackIn: tonight
radio ethers: oh good. i didn't want you to go!
BruisesAreBackIn: oh no..I'm not going to go
BruisesAreBackIn: i want to stay here and talk to you
radio ethers: oh yay!!!!

BruisesAreBackIn: my fishies are swimming happily in their fresh, clean water!!
radio ethers: oh yay!!!!

BruisesAreBackIn: Paulie called the other day
radio ethers: i read in your blog
BruisesAreBackIn: I had a dream about him the same night
BruisesAreBackIn: yeah i figured
BruisesAreBackIn: hehe
radio ethers: that's crazy.
BruisesAreBackIn: i think i'm going to have a nervous breakdown tomorrow
radio ethers: why?
radio ethers: just cause?
BruisesAreBackIn: i can just feel it coming on
radio ethers: i hope you write or create something out of it
radio ethers: i wish i was there..
radio ethers: i feel so horrible for not beign there
radio ethers: i probably won't be down until june, or maybe even the fall
radio ethers: i don't knwo how i'll make it.. hehe..
radio ethers: i'm so melodramatic
BruisesAreBackIn: it's okay
radio ethers: i know... it's not a big deal. and i feel guilty for making long distance phone calls when i do make them.. because i have no money to pay for them, which means my parents have to pay for them.. but then, i guess making them spend 30 dollars on a phone call isn't as bad as making them spend a few grand on a funeral
BruisesAreBackIn: yep
BruisesAreBackIn: i can send you my phone card that i bought in canada when i went
radio ethers: that would be great, but i wouldn't ask you to do that
BruisesAreBackIn: it doesn't have that many minutes on it. but i'll send it to you, so you can use it
radio ethers: you can use it this summer!
BruisesAreBackIn: i don't need it
BruisesAreBackIn: i can't use it here
radio ethers: if you still want to come
BruisesAreBackIn: eh. i'll get another one
BruisesAreBackIn: of course i do!!

radio ethers: you know what.. i think i'm just going to stay in the bay forever and paint and lie on my back and stare at the ceiling and be on vicodin all the time
BruisesAreBackIn: no you need to get me some first
BruisesAreBackIn: i need some
BruisesAreBackIn: you're probably addicted to it
radio ethers: i know, i will. i'm just worried, i'm not sure if there's enough of my mom's to bring it. if there isn't, we'll find somewhere to score it when i'm down there. oh, i don't know about ADDICTED. i've been pretty much restricting usage to the weekends because of school, i don't want that to go downhill.
BruisesAreBackIn: yeah
radio ethers: i feel lame though.. i mean vicodin's an opiate but it's not that strong.. it's pretty lame.
radio ethers: usually if i take three and wait an hour though, or a little more, i can be in a nice floaty state but still coherent enough to be able to pretend i' not there if i want to
BruisesAreBackIn signed off at 10:47:16 PM.
BruisesAreBackIn signed on at 10:47:30 PM.
BruisesAreBackIn: back
BruisesAreBackIn: sorry aim did something weird
radio ethers: that's okay
radio ethers: question: do you read my blog?
BruisesAreBackIn: yes!
radio ethers: oh, good. i was worried no one did.
BruisesAreBackIn: do you read mine
BruisesAreBackIn: AH! I just choked on water
BruisesAreBackIn: lol
radio ethers: haha. yes, i read yours every time i get on
radio ethers: which is usually every day
BruisesAreBackIn: YAY!
radio ethers: tehe
radio ethers: have you been to www.blackglass.org ?
radio ethers: it's fantastic, i think
BruisesAreBackIn: yep
BruisesAreBackIn: i like it
radio ethers: yeah
radio ethers: there are a lot of cool sites hosted there
BruisesAreBackIn: yeah there are
radio ethers: too many to look at in one night! grr
radio ethers: people that don't believe in premarital sex bother me
BruisesAreBackIn: yeah me too
BruisesAreBackIn: I WANT TO GO TO LOLLAPOLOZA!
radio ethers: ME TOO
BruisesAreBackIn: janes addiction, audioslave, incubus, queens of the stone age, the donna's, a perfect circle, and jurassic5 ( don't know them) are going ot be there
BruisesAreBackIn: I WANNA GO!
radio ethers: hehehe
BruisesAreBackIn: i'm going to beg my dad tomorrow
radio ethers: haha
radio ethers: is it gonna be in detroit?
BruisesAreBackIn: yeah well in clarkston at DTE or Pineknob and there's another one in Grand Rapids
BruisesAreBackIn: i don't know which is closer
BruisesAreBackIn: i'll have to look
BruisesAreBackIn: i have to go
BruisesAreBackIn: i'll die if i dont
radio ethers: haha.. okay, me too. why will you die?
BruisesAreBackIn: its in the summer i'll just say i'm staying the night at someones house
BruisesAreBackIn: i dont know no..because i want to see all of those bands
BruisesAreBackIn: and there all together
radio ethers: cool
BruisesAreBackIn: and...i have too
radio ethers: ezra hates the donnas
radio ethers: i think
radio ethers: it's funny
BruisesAreBackIn: all those bands for only 52 bucks..
BruisesAreBackIn: lol
BruisesAreBackIn: i think they're cute
radio ethers: "those sluts the donnas"
BruisesAreBackIn: lol
radio ethers: i guess he doesn't like girls or women who are in charge of their sex lives
radio ethers: or who aren't pure and chaste and submissive
BruisesAreBackIn: most guys dont
radio ethers: I HATE MEN
BruisesAreBackIn: me too
radio ethers: I WANT TO KILL THEM ALL
radio ethers: but i like them.. i wish there was one who would like me.
BruisesAreBackIn: nah..not all
radio ethers: and not be an asshole
BruisesAreBackIn: i don' tknow if youll find one thats like that all of the time, everyone is an asshole sometimes. but i'm sure you'll find someone worth keeping.
radio ethers: blah, probably not. and if i do he'll just leave me anyway. i hate the way men judge women
radio ethers: i hate the expectations they put on us
radio ethers: i hate how much they hate us
radio ethers: i hate how they abuse and rape us..
radio ethers: ALL OF THEM
radio ethers: all of the time.
BruisesAreBackIn: yeah
BruisesAreBackIn: i'm falling
radio ethers: ?
BruisesAreBackIn: i can't stay happy
radio ethers: don't you hate that? does that mean we're crazy?
BruisesAreBackIn: i'm going crazy because i don't know how i'm going to fall asleep tonight
BruisesAreBackIn: im afraid to try
BruisesAreBackIn: because what if i dont fall asleep
BruisesAreBackIn: what if i can't sleep
radio ethers: you will
BruisesAreBackIn: i'll lay there and my mind will just keep going and going and going
BruisesAreBackIn: and i won't be able to stop it
radio ethers: why is it that our moods coincide so often?
BruisesAreBackIn: then that'll be the reason i can't fall asleep instead of just not being able to
BruisesAreBackIn: then i'll go crazy and cry and i still wont fall asleep
BruisesAreBackIn: i don tknow..
BruisesAreBackIn: maybe you're half of me
radio ethers: maybe..
BruisesAreBackIn: and i'm half of you
BruisesAreBackIn: i think if you were here i could fall asleep
radio ethers: ditto
radio ethers: we both need someone to go to sleep with.
radio ethers: i think that's the only problem. funny because i've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately
BruisesAreBackIn: yeah thats when i sleep the best when i can hold someone and have them hold me back
radio ethers: yeah
radio ethers: i like to wake up in the morning and study the other person
BruisesAreBackIn: me too
radio ethers: if they're still asleep
radio ethers: or even if they're not
BruisesAreBackIn: lol
radio ethers: are we still gonna do it when i get down there, or next time i see you?
BruisesAreBackIn: yep
radio ethers: yay!
BruisesAreBackIn: i wish i wasn't so fat though. because you're so beautiful and i'mso big and fat, i'm afraid i'd crush you or something
radio ethers: angie stop it! you're not fat, and i'm not beautiful, and we're the same
BruisesAreBackIn: and my boobs are ugly and they're too big
radio ethers: i like your boobs
radio ethers: breastuses!
BruisesAreBackIn: they're saggy because they're too big
BruisesAreBackIn: i need to lose weight
radio ethers: so? you're like a goddess
BruisesAreBackIn: no i'm not
radio ethers: not very many of them are skinny
BruisesAreBackIn: i'm an ugly one
BruisesAreBackIn: yeah but they had perky boobs to go along with a big waist
radio ethers: shut up. i think you're gorgeous, you're like a luscious human bed to sink into
BruisesAreBackIn: my boobs aren't perky
BruisesAreBackIn: and i want them to be
radio ethers: so, neither are mine..
BruisesAreBackIn: more like a puddle of fat to drown in
radio ethers: hey, you should cut out half your boobs and i can attach them to me, and then our boobs will be the same size
radio ethers: hehe
BruisesAreBackIn: lol
BruisesAreBackIn: i wish we could do that
radio ethers: it would be cool
BruisesAreBackIn: we'd both be happy
BruisesAreBackIn: hehe

2003-04-17T22:08:00.000-04:00

i finished two paintings today. one of them has tons of layers of faded colours and glaze, and sort of slightly off center is a faded looking outline of a woman's face and hair, and her mouth is taped over, sort of. and around her is a somewhat thin black frame. the colours range between rosy, light green, purplish and greyish and bluish.. i wish i could post graphics here, but i can't.

the second one is a pregnant woman, but that's not really immediately obvious. it's hard to explain, i used orange and pink and red oil pastels, some black tempera paint, some house paint, and sort of collaged it a little too.

more weird dreams i had:

I was at some sort of building/institution in the middle of the woods, and Ashley Niesen was there, but she seemed a lot older, she was taller, funkier, and more artistically inclined. it was like a cross between Ashley and Beth. she apparently “lived” there, with some other guys who were part of some sort of team where they were involved in some sort of creative process. they were all very funny and jumped around and laughed and hugged a lot.
then I left with one of the guys. he was someone I know but I don’t remember who. we were on a snowmachine, he was driving, on a trial through the bush and he couldn’t seem to remember which way we had come to get there. he kept veering off on a branch of the trail and then there would be a pile of rocks blocking the way, so we would know it wasn’t the right path and then we’d find the right one. there was suddenly an SUV there, driven by some people I knew whose names I also can’t place, and I got the feeling they were trying to tell us which way to go but the guy wouldn’t pay attention. then he started going the right way and suddenly I was on a horse, in the middle of a bunch of rocks we had to climb over. then the horse was gone and I was with the people in the middle of a street sitting on a park bench, with leaves blowing around in the gutter.

another dream – I was in Caitlin’s bedroom and I think I was supposed to take care of her animals for her. there were like 3 rabbits, some guinea pigs, some gerbils and a couple of rats. and the room was a complete mess, with cages everywhere. maybe I had made the mess. I don’t remember.

last one – also strangest one – I was sitting down with no pants on, looking at my right thigh. there was a crack in the skin, and a condom was growing out of it. it was just a single condom, but it was still in its package. there was no blood, and it didn’t hurt at all, even when I tugged on it. around the area there were a bunch of cancerous tumours.

here are some poems i like by "Juliet" if that's her real name:

Sam & Lily

They linger down on 4th and Blanchard every night…
They sit and meditate on the cars racing by
He curls his dirt and grease stained fingers over hers.

They’ve seen the best and they’ve done the worst
Urchins of the underground—
After years of experience they know the street.

A crooked smile lights her face.
She smoothes her threadbare thrift store dress,
With the tiny purple and blue flowers,
And her glassy-eyed stare drifts across the city light pollution
Speckled with myriad semi-burnt out neon glows.

Professional thieves who have never been caught,
They wander alone on dark deserted avenues.
Their past is littered with crime and abuse
Inspiring survival solely from blind instinct.

Pacific breeze combs through her unwashed locks.
He slouches in his patched blue jeans
And admires his moth-eaten sweater
Underneath a brown flannel that just lost
It’s last button yesterday…

They sit like two wasted TV dinners,
Cool and grating to one another, sometimes tepid,
Yet still they cling together,
Walking nonchalantly over the cobblestones
Paving Pioneer Square
Until they disappear into the distant haze—
Acidic rainfalls of the Emerald City.

Quintessence

We are lost and uncaring in the endless
Schizophrenic streets. I fill my mind with the smoke
From a dozen eyes and the fading light’s orchid dye—
Our minds filled with euphoria forgetting what sheer
Terror can really be. An hour before midnight, the strawberry
Glow inside a wine glass catches my proud smile.

With a look only I’d understand, you reflect that smile.
Adventure crawls up my spine with endless
Possibilities. You don’t even have to ask. I let you bury
Every defeat with their individual scars— like smoke
Curling around your head into a halo until you shear
It away. In this moment, you don’t plead to die

Because mystery creeps over our hands, the tablecloth’s dye,
The plates half empty… My napkin lies like a crooked smile.
I take another deep breath and fathom the sheer
Magnitude of the words that remain in your head— endless
Reminders of why I exist in this warm, smoke
Filled room, hesitant to watch myself bury

All rationality. I could never return to the life that buries
Freedom without your consent. I watch the candle light dye
Your green gaze to gold again… The halo returns; thorns of smoke—
You lay your palm over mine; my conscious thoughts miles
Away. The room darkens and suspends itself in endless
Oblivion. Fear was never a choice— I leave only a sheer

Veil between us. I know perfectly that this same sheer
Façade is the mark of bondage. Trickles of strawberry
Draw themselves into intricate patterns of endless
Trees… My fingers tremble, slick with the bitter dye
Surfacing beneath your life line. A smile
Resurrects itself on your features as clear as smoke.

I inhale, I cough… and the smoke
Stutters away, revealing honesty that shears
The soul; I feel my mouth curve back into that smile,
So daring, so knowing- a train wreck waiting to bury
No survivors. All resistance dies
With the knowledge that this feeling is endless.

This feeling is endless; the chains of smoke
Die one by one until finally your voice shears
The quiet. My strawberry stained lips cannot cease to smile.

Birthday

My death like dark water is rising.

I watch closely
Paper sinks of angelfish expiring,
Swathed in dandelion pentagrams,
Crowned with bleeding orchids
And pretty pastel nooses of ribbon.
A lame joke proclaims:
Another day closer to…

Mayhem—
All created on my own.
Because I exist.
You exist.
Every simple fact needs a celebration.

Voices reach a crescendo—
Waver of tiny flames—
Garish shadows on the wall
Perfectly willing to engrave
And martyr themselves
Into the epic family photo album.

Malcontent

It’s another casualty at the end of the pier,
When all that bars you from dysfunction is an amethyst dangling…
Dragging over desolation.

A girl I never acknowledged,
Greets me with bleakness salivating from every pore.
Another 2:47 AM passes.
Another year languishes like maiden skin.
You’re not around.
You’re bleeding away in the serum of your own repulsion.
Don’t make me cross every barrier--
Come sullenly desirous to you once more….
But I’m in love with my stalker
Who draws conviction’s blood,
Spiraling my losses around his fingertips,
Aware I won’t ever say no.

I’m looking at a sky that can’t love back,
As if I could escape the cortile of the moon
Merely burned by a fusillade of starlight embers.
Give me nine years and a gilded bullet,
I’ll drown all over again just to learn your runes of forgiveness.
We’ve memorized these flaws by now.
You offer yourself up to an apocalypse—
Parades of seamless desire…
I’m stealing your muse, fleeing through the labyrinth of your mind,
I’ll resurrect every murdered Rapunzel
That ever sifted down these gelatinous waterfalls.

We’re getting drunk on aurora borealis merlot
Nestled in the garden of Bacchus.
I’m leaning on you-- shedding virginal tears of velvet mania.
How can I care when you prophesy my submission?
Salty fleshy dabs of sadness…
I can’t control myself, I can’t control what I am to you…
When put to death at the hands
of heretics chanting:

Need is a quenchless sacrifice.

aren't those beautiful? that's it for now. i hope i write more later.

it's funny - during the day is usually when i paint, and at night is usually when i write. sometimes i can do both but most of the time all of my day energy is spent painting and my night energy goes best into words.

2003-04-15T17:34:00.000-04:00

Alex has just inadvertently reminded me of a dream i had years ago.

i dreamed there was a secret society of affluent people (or formerly affluent people) who had been shipwrecked in the Pacific and now lived on an uncharted island out there. they had built a huge wooden roller coaster with a boxcar on it that went to all the major cities in the world. their plan was to take over the world, of course, and they had assasinated Abraham Lincoln and Kennedy and a lot of other people. in my dream they kidnapped Jane Seymour and brought her back to the island in the boxcar, gagged and tied up, but the boxcar crashed and the kidnapper's neck was broken (he died) and Jane Seymour was injured.

2003-04-15T17:25:00.000-04:00

anyone in Grass Lake who reads this:

next time you see Jessica Beers, please tell her i had a dream that she burned down a church!

2003-04-15T17:23:00.000-04:00

i had a dream, actually 4 different ones, but it's funny because Ezra was in ALL of them.

in the first one, he and i and some other guys were in my little sister's bedroom playing darts and throwing paper airplanes around, and there was a window and we were looking out.. i don't remember too much about that part.

then we were on this tour type thing ... i think it was supposed to be in the bay or some similar type area.. we were up on this "cliff" and a little below it was a really old stone church, covered in vines. we thought it looked neat so we wanted to go see it and the tour lady told us that tour didn't start until later. but we decided to go anyway.. there was a wooden ladder that went down the side of the cliff, actually more like a mine shaft, and once you got to the bottom of the ladder you were on scaffolding sor tof.. and then you could walk over to the church. we met these two girls who lived at the bottom of the mine shaft in a hole cut into the side of the cliff or something. we started going down the ladder but it was incredibly rickety and some of the rungs were missing; we thought we were going to fall off so we started back up. it was really hard to get up the last rung of the ladder back onto the cliff but we did it.

and then it was nighttime and we were in this living room with the news on the tv, except we were still on the cliff and the girls we had met who lived in the cliff had set the church and the scaffolding and everything on fire, there were crosses burning - it was weird, we were watching it on the news but we were there on the cliff watching it at the same time. some other people had joined the
girls in their pyromania, one in particular that i went to school with, jessica beers.. she had a blue bandanna on and was holding something up that was burning, when the camera panned to her. everything was just up in flames, sparks everywhere too, and the sky was very black.

then it changed again and ezra and i were outside a big fancy restaurant, and it was summer. we wanted to go in and see the architecture, so we snuck past the entrance and walked around inside. the ceilings were so high, there were hundreds of tables, and isles almost like in a cathedral in between the sections of tables. i was actually watching us from the ceiling while we were in there. then i came back down into my own body, and we were leaving. we had to sneak out the back door because it was illegal to leave the restaurant without buying any food.

then, last scene, we were in someone's kitchen i think, with a big sliding glass door on two of the walls. it was very small. there were
a bunch of people there, and i had the idea that they were all either friends of ezra's or mine. it felt like we had just gone skiing or
sledding or something.. there was snow/winter gear all over the floor, and i had a suitcase sitting there. Amy Gillespie came up and said hi to me and then just left, smiling.. we made some kind of little creatures out of fluffy sugar..

everyone was trying to make out with me.. the clash was playing.. and i woke up singing sinead o'connor's version of nothing compares to you.
funny...

2003-04-15T17:19:00.000-04:00

chelsea was just talking to me online about her weekend, and they all hung out at Jamie and Rolland's place when the mom of this kid i went to school with, Sam, who always went to the PTA meetings and chaperoned jr. high dances and shit, came in and hit off the bong a few times and it surprised the shit out of chelsea.. she said "now, when i get depressed, i can always think of mrs. wagner takin a hit off a four foot red bong"

2003-04-14T23:27:00.000-04:00

quote from a friend of mine:
"so this Andy guy, he is the devil.. and he wants to bone you.."

"13 month old baby
broke the looking glass..."

Your song is "Supersitious," by Stevie
Wonder!
You avoid ladders, black cats, and pick out all the
green clovers from your box of Lucky Charms.
You believe in karma, so chances are you follow
the golden rule. There's a bit of the mystic
in you, you intriguing little witch!

What's Your Song?
brought to you by Quizilla

"is this absolutely where you live?"

You are French-press coffee. You are full of body
and sensuality, and you love to be sipped and
savored at leisure... though you can get cold
rather quickly.

What Kind of Coffee Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

there was a beautiful thunderstorm today just as the sun was setting, which i think i absolutely sacred.
it also hailed at one point.

2003-04-13T22:50:00.000-04:00

You Have the Power of Teleportation!

What's Your Magic Power?
brought to you by Quizilla

Moulin Rouge

Which Movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Catwoman

Which Batman Villian are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

DUH.

Rusty spoon at the bottom of the lake.

What kind of spoon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

haha.. i couldn't help but post that one, it's funny.

2003-04-13T22:01:00.000-04:00

You're a Tragic Romantic. Don't worry; Be
happy. Like it's really that easy, right?
Grieving takes time, no matter what you're
getting over. Don't dwell so much on what has
happened and go into the future without
expectations. Healing will come.

What Sort of Romantic Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Jack off jilllllllllllll!
WoOt! Kick ass... even when looking for a new
guitarist... she's still got it. Rawk!

What Non-Annoying Band Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Enid from Ghost World. A
walking, talking quip, you always have
something to say and never bite back your
statement. Like Enid, though, you're a lost
soul and have trouble finding your way around
the world.
You find the good in all things weird.

What Unconventional Movie Heroine Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Predatorial Eyes

What Eyes Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hooverphonic

Which Trippy Band or Artist Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-13T15:11:00.000-04:00

Citrine

What Stone Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Robin Hood: Men In Tights
Fegalas? No... you're strait... yeah.... You many
want to spend less time working ongetting your
seams strait.

Which Mel Brooks Movie Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-13T15:00:00.000-04:00

last night was fun fun fun, to some extent...

i guess i drank too much because i'm hungover today... let's see

last night my parents had the LAST PARTY OF THE ICE at the lodge. Daron and i played DJ, sort of. a lot of dancing and drinking a pot smoking and carrying on.
of course, daron had to bend Ron over the pool table a couple times. we played funny darts, i danced on the tables a lot, etc.

at one point Murray jumped up on the pool table and started taking his clothes off.. we grabbed a paddle and stuck it in his pants, and rubbed it around..
then my dad started walking around kicking things and scared everyone but it didn't really phase me, i guess i was too drunk.
when we were leaving, Ron was laying on his back on the table.. oh wait, nevermind.. i just lost my train of thought.

on the way over West Bay trail something fucked up on the VK's track, so we had to leave it there, and walk part way, and ride three up on the Indy the rest of the way.. my dad was pissed off, it was strange...
so when we got home it was 5:30, blah blah blah.. went to bed
woke up around 11 am, puked, went back to bed, woke up again, puked, went back to sleep until about 2 when i finally got up and ate a bagel and some antacids
made coffee, which tastes horrible cause it's Maxwell House but oh well, maybe it'll wake me up.

The vine, Muin, suits you the best.

Which Celtic Moon Sign Fits Your Personality Best?
brought to you by Quizilla

see Angel, we're united by quizzes! we're dorks...

You're the classic starving artist. You thrive and
take pride in the pain that you turn into art.
You've probably had a very traumatic childhood
and now confide in paper more than people...
You have trouble remembering where you put your
damn pens... all the time.

What type of artist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-11T16:49:00.000-04:00

a lot of people here believe the U.S. will invade Canada next.

spring fever

there were cracks in the sky last night
as the sun was setting

bright orange
seeping through into the yellow-pink
above the treeline

interwoven, an X

a message from the East?
a message from a rumour of a god
I've never believed in.

today the sky is pure blue
the ice turning to slush.
I am afraid of the sky,
inside staring, through big windows
uneasily up at that blue

sure it would suck me
up into it's sickly-happy vacuum
if I stepped outside

2003-04-10T00:24:00.000-04:00

You are "Creep" from the Pablo Honey
album. You should stop watching MTV and
obsessing over what you can't have. Get a
life.

Which Radiohead song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

hmm.. that was predictable... still a good song though.

2003-04-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

A Letter to Elise - You're in love, but out of a
relationship. You knew it was going to end, but
you held on. Or...you're in love but not loved
in return.

Which Song By The Cure Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your creativty and craftsmenship doesn't come from
nowhere. You used to be an artisan in your past
life, painting murals, sculpting statues, and
crafting wood for more noble people.

Who were you in your past life?
brought to you by Quizilla

if someone can be happy without you around, does that mean they don't care?

Artistic, gorgeous--you must be Robert Smith.

Which sexy boy are you
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-09T20:03:00.000-04:00

You are Violetta from Verdi's "La
Traviata"!
You're no innocent schoolgirl, but you're
definitely kind, charming, and personable.
Your past history with men has caused you to
become a bit jaded about romance, but don't
discount it completely--you have a great
capacity for love.

Which DIVA are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

he ate her in spoonfuls until he found out who she was. now he just licks at the frosting.

the other night i dreamt that i attacked Tiffany Nabozny (is she still in GL?), struck up a bond with Jake Martin, and Emily and i were in a classroom/garden and she was wearing her peach dress and i was supposed to do something about my sister.

i want someone to call at 3 am, 4 am, i want to trade resources and soul spews with a group of women/girls...
i need Angela and Emily and Chelsea and Alex so we can get stoned or not get stoned and listen to music and sink down, curl up into a heap of pseudo-sisters, like furry kittens...
i want fur sometimes.

we would all understand depression and euphoria and being art...

my mother has this idea that everyone should be perfectly happy living companionless on a rock. it's that whole new age "don't depend on others for your happiness" and "find bliss in every situation." well i've found some bliss in it, but not enough to make me love it. i just wish she would acknowledge and accept the fact that there are people who need other people and the mental stimulation that comes with that!

I'M SORRY I'M NOT JESUS CHRIST OR THE BUDDHA i'm a fucking human and i need to be touched. i know there's nothing either of us can do about this situation but i wish she could understand.
she complains that i don't confide in her, but when i try to talk to her about depression or self-esteem issues etc. she just doesn't understand at all, and she doesn't understand depression without a big reason behind it. she thinks i'm trying to make her feel guilty.

well EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME for being young and wanting to explore the world.

"The word Believer originally came from the word meaning Approve. Sister Aline taught me that. One must approve of God and i'm not sure i do. God isnt' a belief anyway. He's more like a rumour."
- Priscilla Uppal, The Divine Economy of Salvation

2003-04-09T01:59:00.000-04:00

You'd shoot them

How would you kill someone
brought to you by Quizilla

damn fucking straight.

you're scissors!

what annomous object are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-09T01:20:00.000-04:00

if i can't come no matter how hard you try, am i failing you?

2003-04-09T01:17:00.000-04:00

for some reason i find myself often getting into situations where i meet a guy (sometimes a girl) and serve as an opening up... of some sort.. where we explore each other artistically, sometimes sexually, and they say "wow, i've never met someone i could talk to until 4 in the morning and not want to go to sleep or get bored.

hmmm.. i think i may have a yeast infection..
possibly i am just scrubbing myself with soap that's too harsh, and it makes me dry and itchy...
no, i don't have one.. cause if i had one i'd be secreting a lot of sticky yellow stuff, and i'm not...

Say Goodbye

What Dave Matthews Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i guess that makes some degree of sense.. especially when it comes to my attitude about sex lately..

2003-04-09T00:25:00.000-04:00

(girls on strings)
(girls
girls
girls)

girl. a girl. who is a girl?

a boy a girl a girl

a boy

2003-04-08T23:31:00.000-04:00

i'm reading The Divine Economy of Salvation by Priscilla Uppal. story of what goes on inside Catholic boarding schools for girls. so far i've gathered that the character, Angela, who is 14 at the time, is sent away to the school because her mother is dying and her father doesn't have time to take care of her.
she befriends some girls - Rachel, Caroline, and Francine - who invite her to join their "club" which they call The Sisterhood. They meet in their rooms at night to do normal 14-year-old-girl things, like read magazines, experiment with makeup, talk about boys, exchange new swear words, dare each other to strip, and taunt each other with their budding sexuality. but from a strict Catholic point of view, these things are rebellious and daring.
the story is told from two alternating points in time - one when Angela is 14 and the other 25 years later when she is a nun. so i've also gathered that The Sisterhood murders a girl named Bella at one point, although i haven't yet found out how or why.

i did laundry today WOOHOO and i feel so much better with clean clothes on. it's amazing...

i want some tazo chai!!!!!!

on Sunday, lying back staring up at the air filled to the brim with all those beautiful bubbles, my stomach and soul just dissolved into them and it was such a beautiful thing!

i need to buy some bubbles. they don't HAVE to be touchable.
the buck store in Espanola has bubbles! they have EVERYTHING there!

fake flowers, hats, little china clowns, candles, incense, bowls, plastic sparkly tiaras
cutlery
buck stores are great.

here are some Golden Palominos lyrics that also read magnificently as poems, of course, because they were written by Nicole Blackman.

THE AMBITIONS ARE

you don't trade money here
you trade information and skin

right now there are thousands of forgotten people
trying to remember you

children are killed because they write
an enemy's name backwards on the wall

young girls tie ribbons around their slender throats
trying to keep their heads on

chocolate boy walks to ice cream truck for vanilla cone
is shot dead three times
this city kills its young

the angels all have guns now
the angels aren't anyone you'd want to pray to

no one here has goals like get a job, get married, have kids
the ambitions are wake up, breathe, keep breathing
no desire to get rich, become famous, move out
the ambitions are wake up, breathe, keep breathing

every woman who walks by is every woman you'll never have
beautiful, quick and poisonous as mercury

this city is full of women, slim and busy
hoping there is room in some man's life for them

women sort through the dead bodies like bags of laundry
with exhausted mama eye
sigh because they are too dry for tears

people huddle in kitchens clasp their hands
celebrating
something has tried to kill them and failed

nightclub men twitch
too subdued to recognize apocalypse

you have driven these streets a thousand times
and all they offer is their exhaustion
your nightmares have your name now
you exit the glitter storm, go home alone
and embrace the violence instead

this city has claimed all your blood and memory
this is cool and unusual punishment

you go for years without touching another
never think of the why
you are so casual about brutality

doctor says "take this it'll settle you down"
doctor says "take this it'll settle your system"
doctor says "take this we'll settle the bill"
doctor says "take this it'll settle the score"

there's a voice in the loudspeaker and she speaks your language
doesn't need to stay, can disappear when the wife walks in
(here comes the interrogation room scene
today's the day you're gonna get caught)

you're terrified of what you crave
don't get delighted they want you scared
the sweet things don't stick around
but the bullshit lasts forever
please press pound
you're dual-channelling for new friends
or just new things to envy
who's running the machine you run on?

wish you had someone to speak code with
wish you had someone to steal things for
wish you had someone to fuck you so you could finally go to sleep.
you just want to die a little bit.

ink and paint is making you faint
in your pale pale shirts, stolen from uptown stores.
watch the girls in the twin sweater sets
smoke, cough, throw up.
teeth-scraped knuckles are a telltale sign.

get in the car get in the car get in the car
and what you hear is the sound of impact.
turn around slowly and check your body for bruises.
there is no one here to take care of you.

open-mouthed, waiting for a candy kiss
and all you get is rain communion.
between lap dances and laptops
you seek girls who fuck like they're boneless.

you're 38 and your job is telling 14 year old boys
what to think is cool.
are you laughing? they are

and this one is a fire and that one is a flame
and this one is a spark and that one is a match
you put out in your mouth when no one was looking.

and in your dreams your grandparents live forever
and you throw your love into the air like glitter
swallowing stars, spitting up stardust.

mothers wring their hands and say: "I'm so at a loss."
best friend says "I have come not to praise you, but to destroy you with my bare fucking hands."
the girl on the television says: "you all work for me now."
boss says: "c'mere, let me hit you just once."
man on the street says: "I can make any woman kill herself in a year."

so you drive your dead body home at night
and when you sleep
the angels' kisses are mercury mercury
breaking love into lust
grinding pearls into dust.

HOLY

I eat only sleep and air
and everyone thinks I'm dumb
but I'm smart because I've figured it out.

I am slimmer than you are
and I am burning my skin off little by little
until I reach bone and self
until I get to where I am essential
until I get to where I am

Food doesn't tempt me anymore
because I am so full of energy and sense
I can even pass by water now
because I am living off the parts of me
that I don't need anymore.

I could feel the slow drips of pain before,
swirling inside where my lungs should have been.
Now I'm clean inside.

I threw out hundreds of things that I didn't need anymore.
All my dresses and bras
stupid things like jeans and socks.
Most days I float through the house naked
so I can see myself in the mirrors.
I have hundreds of them everywhere
and they talk back to me all the time.
They keep me true and pure.
They make sure I'm still here.

When I knew what I had to do
I took all my notebooks, all my manuscripts
and ate them page by page
so I could take my words with me.

I can finally control my life and even death
and I will die slowly like steam escaping from a pipe.

This is my greatest performance
and all of the actresses who won my parts will say
how wonderful to let yourself go that mad,
how wonderful to go on this kind of journey
and not care if you come back to tell the story.

I scratch words on the walls now
so people will visit this museum and know
how someone like me ends up like this
(they'll say there is art in here somewhere).

Everything that comes out of me is sacred
every tear, every cough, every piss.
Everything that comes off of me is sacred
every fingernail, every eyelash, every hair.

Starvation is sacred and I scratch my bones
against the windows at night.
I light candles and feel myself evaporate.
This body is a little church, a little temple.
You can't see me now because I've gone inside.

My family doesn't call anymore.
My friends don't call anymore.
You can't hurt me anymore.
They can't hurt me anymore.
Only I can.

And that's okay.
I don't need them anymore.
I can live off of me.
I speak to me.
I dance with me.
I eat me.

When they find me, I'll have a little smile on my face
and they'll wrap me in a white cloth and lay me in the ground
and say they don't understand.
But I do.
I don't hurt anymore.
I'm not lonely anymore.
I'm not sad I'm not pretty anymore.
I made it through.

I feel so holy and clean when I stretch out on the floor and sing.
Sometimes god comes in for a minute and says I'm doing fine, I'm almost there.

Every day I get a little closer to vanishing.
Some days I can't stand up because the room moves under my feet
and I smile because I'm almost there,
I'm almost an angel.

One day when I am thin enough
I'll go outside
fluttering my hands so I can fly
and I will be so slight that I will pass through all of you
silently
like wind.

YOU ARE NEVER READY

In four minutes you will be gone and I must to tell you why.

When a star crashes, the angels are electrified.
Your life changes in ways you can't imagine.

When your dreams are perfect, they run like machines and leave you dizzy.
When you first discover you're dying, everyone seems to be saying goodbye.
When your dreams are perfect, they run like machines.

You must change your life. You are never ready.

There are people you have to leave behind, they just dirty up your mouth
they don't value your treasure.

You fall down, you kiss up, you love them, it's not enough.
They're nothing special and you're such a gift.
If you had no magic here you'd be just like everyone else.
Imagine the tragedy.

Love is like crying like writing like dying you've got to do it alone.

I know it's tragic to be tender
I know it's dangerous to be kind
I know it's vicious to care.

Listen to me, I know what's going to happen to you.

You don't need a window, you need a fire escape,
you'll need a skylight to get to where you're going.
I can't tell you where.

And you dream that you are hollow
and you dream that you are whole
reconstruct what you remember
and it comes out in pieces.

Those below you can't hold you up
everyone is gone gone gone
everyone is gone gone gone.
Learn to swim alone learn to fly.

Cast them off like long rope and learn to swim the dark water alone.
Look up to the stars stars stars and know that this is your sky now.

Lift your arms and go
step forward in Nureyev leap
blink fast and whirr over streets
hover over trees
speed past taxis
don't even bother to wave
at the children who watch you
awestruck
brushing past skyscrapers
and looking up up
slip off the long skirt
that slows you down
and don't look back to watch it
billow to earth
tell the cool jets and Superman
that you're passing them
feel your hair stream back
wind blinding you
forcing your dry mouth open
no one can touch you now
get out of this fucking world
as fast as you can.

THIRST

Your mouth as necessary on mine as rain on the desert
(I remember thirst).
I remember unloading guns beneath a complex heaven
(they cut into my dreams).
I remember how bitterness tasted
(it was sometimes sweet).

Now in the black black behind your sleep
I am trying to hold your oceans
I am struggling to sparkle in your sky
I will collect your snowfalls in my arms
and watch them unfold.

In the North, you ache with loss
and wish for a sick day
to curl yourself away and cry.
The warmth of your voice
now burnt with loss
and everyone knows.

Everyone knows you are far too far too transparent
to hide away such a wanting.
Now whom is needed
and whom is needful?

You are older than I
but hand yourself over
a bird nestling into my hand.
"I am broken, I am broken"
you say as I stroke you to sleep.

Making tea of desperation
I know you are sterling.
No, I won't tell them.
No, I won't share you.
I am killing myself trying not to care.

I know you're too fine for this.
They've raised your hopes
now they've come to dash them.
Let me throw you deep into the stars
so you can see your heaven
and speak to your dead.

Lay on me the hands that never kill.
Stain my skin with breath
laced in coolth and stun.
Trace my form in the dark until it glows.

You are younger than your years
and I am older than mine.
Some midnight I will meet you in the midst
and cross your palm with my mouth.

Come here little bird,
let me lick your feathers back.
Come here to your complicated cat.

I have done my best to steer you away
now I swim in blame and sleep in fear.
When we go public, my china bird,
I'll let you tell the story.

When you hurt me
I won't let it show.

2003-04-07T16:22:00.000-04:00

i had the best weekend that i've had in a long time.
friday i went to gerry and kathy's for dinner, we danced a lot.. i danced with Ron a lot... that was fun and drunken.. but saturday was better..

my mom and i got invited to ron's for dinner, and then rob called and invited us to their place.. my mom decided to go to ron's, and i went to rob and beth's mainly because there's always interesting mental stimulation there, and beth wanted me to stay there that night so we could ski together on sunday.
we always motivate each other for some reason.

i've been on such a billy idol kick.. i don't have any of his CDs because i'm poor, but i absolutely love him. GOD he was great.. every time i go somewhere all i want to listen to is billy idol.

SO i went to rob and beth's.. we made pizza (rob is the best cook i know, food at their house is always magnificent) and salad..

i have a new William quote. he was sitting at the table, hadn't finished his dinner yet.. we were eating late so it was about time for him to be put down. he was having a bit of a hyper attack, singing and yelling and giggling quite loudly and incoherently, and beth was telling him to hush because he needed to finish dinner.
he goes "it's just a problem!" and keeps on blabbering. the way he said it was great, in this little high pitched wavery giggly voice, it was like he got possessed for a second and the sentence just jumped out of him.

so william went to bed. beth went to read to him until he fell asleep and rob and i talked for awhile. he talked about how screwed up his childhood life was, and how much his mother's death affected him. i thought it was fantastic because he's usually hesitant to reveal his emotions. so that was a clue to me that he's started to trust me.
then beth came back, and the three of us got insanely drunk and stoned, very stoned.. lots of good music..

on sunday i felt like shit most of the day.. no headache, just very tired and acid-y.. my stomach felt horrible.. i took a bunch of antacids and we all ended up sleeping most of the day.

after everyone got through napping i was feeling bad so rob spread out a blanket on the floor and gave me a scalp/temple/neck massage. he's a very good masseuse, always has been. beth laid down too and he gave her one, and then william got out these bubbles he has that are made of silicone or something, and you can actually touch them, and they stick to your fingers without popping.
Sticky Bubbles.
after a bit they just sort of disintegrate into nothing. but he and rob were blowing them around the room while beth and i were lying on the floor looking up. there are big windows in the front of the house and the sky was pure blue and all the bubbles were everywhere, it was just so beautiful!!!

beth and i finally went skiing. i'm really glad we did, getting out in the fresh air made me feel so much better! rob took william for a ride just around the bay... but when they got back he felt horrible. i guess mainly a really really bad headache. head cram.

my mom came over and we all played guitar for awhile. i sang and played a few songs, and beth was like I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD SING!!! she thinks i should do that for extra money when i get out of here.

i feel so liberated! now that i'm home again i hope i don't sink back into that negative pattern. it looks like i won't be in the states until june!
fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's already been almost 3 months, i don't know if i can handle another three!

there is a picture of beth from a few years ago, back when her hair was really short and really blonde. she's very tanned, and naked, in their boat. the picture is taken from the front of the boat, and she's sitting on the engine cover, with her arms wrapped around her knees and sunglasses on, in the sun, with the boat wake behind her and the blue sky. inspiring.

beth is unconsciously teaching me so much about the freedom and beauty of being a woman and a girl at the same time. balancing the two. she and marie, ron's ex-girlfriend, both symbolize that to me. very soulful, sensuous women/ladies/girls who are creative and artistic, full of energy and new ideas, not afraid to ask for what they want or to express themselves, somewhat uninhibited, generous, kind and sympathetic.. fully orgasmic..
it's beautiful..

well, folks, that's all for now.
i miss you!

2003-04-05T12:29:00.000-05:00

Geek

What's Your Personality Type?
brought to you by Quizilla

YAY!!!! i'm very proud.

i'm in a good mood today...
... Moses you need to post on your blog more often...

You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.

Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

last night i got drunk and danced a lot and fell over a few times.

2003-04-01T20:49:00.000-05:00

a cheap poem

nothing hits me anymore.
Angela –
both of us want to be smacked in the face
more than anything else;
we need to put a reason behind our bruises.
we need to be abused to feel alive.

you said,
“he left me on the floor when he was done
i wasn’t sweaty; my ass was cold
I HAD RUG BURN ON MY ASS!”

and that’s the way they always do it to you
do you think you need it that way?

sometimes i think we need to hurt to write
lately i can only think in black-and-white radio news flashes
the world isn’t poetry
i don’t DO poetry
i can only write chopped-up death sentences
because the world is dying
and i have known this for years

2003-03-31T16:33:00.000-05:00

EVERYONE GO READ MATTHEW GOOD'S ONLINE JOURNAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!

some quotes from Sylvia Plath:

"Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I guess you could say I've a call."
- Ariel

"The trouble was, I had been inadequate all along, I simply hadn't thought about it."
- The Bell Jar
"And I knew that in spite of all the roses and kisses and restaurant dinners a man showered on a woman before he married her, what he secretly wanted when the wedding service ended was for her to flatten out under his feet"
- The Bell Jar
"I also remember Buddy Willard saying in a sinister, knowing way that after I had children I would feel differently, I wouldn't want to write poems anymore. So I began to think maybe it was true that when you were married and had children it was like being brainwashed, and afterwards you went about numb as a slave in some private, totalitarian state."
- The Bell Jar
"I couldn't see the point of getting up. I had nothing to look forward to... everything people did seemed so silly, because they only died in the end..
It was as though the thing I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at."
- The Bell Jar

is there a way to kill the soul? i hope so.

here are some Patricia Foster quotes:

"In the 1930s when my grandmother Mary Baxter, a miner's wife, asked Dr. Elkin for some form of birth control after the exhaustion of twelve pregnancies, he said impatiently, 'You're a woman, Mrs. Baxter. That's what women are made for.' When I look back at my grandmother's life I become easily upset as if someone has punched a fist in my stomach; the rules of the game were so directly oppressive to women. I can see that she had no way out, no chance to live large, to put on her hat and go. Yet it has taken me years to understand how my own culture has constructed myths that have denied women power over and respect for our bodies and have repressed the urge to speak. For a long time I couldn't see this. I thought my failure was simply personal."

"I began to see my abnormality, my obsession with the erasure of my body as my salvation, the only goal I could achieve in life. It was as if I were trying to equate the 'nothing' I believed existed on the inside with its outside cover. I wanted literally to escape into air, to hide in the loneliness of my fear. My efforts might be described as a criticism of society with the criticism displaced, walled off from my mind, interned in the body."

"'I'd rather have five pounds off my thighs than an A in this class,' one woman confessed. Others agreed. When given the choice between mental stimulus or physical perfection, most said they would choose physical perfection."

"my grandmother never told her daughters that they might be loved and respected by the men they dated, but only that 'men will take advantage of you.'"

I think her grandmother was doing her daughters a favour. men never respect or love women. we are here for them to rape and abuse.

2003-03-31T16:10:00.000-05:00

If we were to define the nineties as we have defined every other decade in the 20th century, how would we do it?
We have the first decade of the 20th century, which was still very Victorian and also part of the Industrial Revolution.
The second decade was a war era.
Then there are the twenties (The Roaring Twenties, the uprising of feminism, lots of post-war excess, I think of The Great Gatsby).
The thirties seem to me to be the most depressed decade of the 20th century – The Great Depression.
The forties – WWII, resource conservation, feminism, and innovation.
The fifties (the decade of optimism, stress on the nuclear family, women returning to housewifery, men putting the food on the table, children as possessions).
THE SIXTIES – an era of reform in every way thinkable; peace, rebellion, and recreation all rolled into one.
THE SEVENTIES – some compare them to the 20s all over again in a more modern context. A lot of excess. In the mid-to-late seventies there was shitty corporate rock. There was disco descending from the gay culture down to the hetero masses. THERE WAS PUNK! YAY! It saved the decade.
Then there’s the eighties – the decade of cheese – a lot of really horrible hair metal, kick-ass new wave, outrageous amounts of spandex, hair spray and makeup (for both genders).. also the underlying tension of the Cold War.

The nineties. Any labels people have tried to pin on it just hasn’t stuck. Grunge knocked out anything leftover from the eighties for the first few years. Real “grunge” was about punk/new wave/political activism/folk, with an indie conscience. Somebody (Jonathan Poneman) just decided to give it a silly name... and of course, it was exploited grotesquely. Fashion designers put out GRUNGE lines.. there were the politically muted copycat bands, and even GRUNGE PENCILS were manufactured and sold. The lead of Soundgarden said something along these lines: “Any separatist culture is going to turn the gun on itself when the lights shine too brightly on it.” And Cobain’s death was the final straw. Mariah Carey was back in.
However, there was still a decent alternative scene: Bjork, Blur, Alanis Morissette, Radiohead, and plenty of others... toward the end of the ninties great stuff was happening in the underground, beneath the dominant feet of the likes of Britney Spears, N’Sync, Christina Aguilera, and the Backstreet Boys.
Hip-hop was exploited as well. A genre of music that started with The Last Poets or maybe with the jazzy spoken word of the Beat era, and was intended to incite revolution, awareness, political activism, and inspiration, was deluded by MC Hammer, Puff Daddy, etc. etc. blah blah blah. Tupac seemed to be the only one who still KIND OF knew what it was about and still achieved financial success. But he’s dead now too. Damn.

Spoken word saw the beginnings of a revival in the 90s. As I’m writing this, spoken word has finally come to Broadway with Def Jam Poetry. There’s even industrial spoken word (Nicole Blackman with the Golden Palominos, for example).

As we approached 2000 people were focusing on technology, clean lines (and clean lives), and the spiritual impulse was even exploited (or expanded??) by the media.

I haven’t discussed half of what went on in the 90s. There were so many scenes. Maybe it could be called The Decade of Subcultures.

And what do we have now? A lot of people under 30 who could be creating something worthwhile are too busy playing Nintendo and complaining that they’re bored. A lot of them are too busy snaking their way into Harvard so they can become lawyers or computer programmers or maybe even image consultants and work in Silicon Valley and live in a fake loft apartment and carry three cell phones, a beeper, a laptop, and an electronic planner. Drive an SUV, drink lots of decaf lattes, pretend you like gay people. There you go. Lovely perfect life.

That’s not to say that ALL young people are politically, spiritually, and creatively infertile. On the contrary. Those are just the ones giving the rest of us a bad rap.

It seems that every decade of the 20th century was an antidote to the previous one. In the 20s you had excess; in the 30s you had poverty. In the 60s you had peace marches; in the 70s you had The Sex Pistols.

2003-03-30T20:46:00.000-05:00

don't you hate being ignored by people who are too fucking good for you?

2003-03-30T20:23:00.000-05:00

radio ethers: doesn't it suck, having a uterus
purpleorboflight: yeah if only there was a little button you could push to shut it down until you want kids if ever
radio ethers: yeah. i just wish i were a man. i think i would be better at everything if i were a man
purpleorboflight: that would solve all the worlds problems too!
radio ethers: probably..
purpleorboflight: thats what a man would want you to think fuck men
radio ethers: it's all summed up in that blog entry
radio ethers: they will continually rape and abuse you
radio ethers: just because your body parts are different
purpleorboflight: they think there better when they reallyt are equal they have what we lack and what they lack we have
purpleorboflight: its a big vicious circle
radio ethers: I HATE MEN
radio ethers: I WANT TO DIE
purpleorboflight: that accomplishes nothing but going to the same place its already been
purpleorboflight: manda stop you need to live you've barely begun
radio ethers: men are stupid
radio ethers: but we have to live with them
radio ethers: but they'll never change
purpleorboflight: yep
radio ethers: and they hate us
radio ethers: and they rape us
radio ethers: and they abuse us
radio ethers: and they like it. and we can never change that
radio ethers: ALL OF THEM ARE RAPISTS
radio ethers: and there's nothing we can do
purpleorboflight: only the ones your not meant for
radio ethers: i hate that.
purpleorboflight: and no we are not fucking helpless jesus amanda
purpleorboflight: we have minds and we use them we aren't sheep or horses you sound like them right now
radio ethers: yes we are
radio ethers: we're stupid
purpleorboflight: stop your insulting every women whos tried to help our sex and your insulting me
purpleorboflight: your insulting yourself
purpleorboflight: WE ARE NOT STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
radio ethers: if our society's been patriarchal this long, it has to be right
purpleorboflight: just because time has passed it means nothing
radio ethers: i wish i didn't have emotion

2003-03-29T22:34:00.000-05:00

a short one:

Lady Macbeth

Which woman of Shakespeare are you?
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2003-03-29T21:44:00.000-05:00

i took this quiz again. twice. i guess these results make more sense than the last one did.

You are the Figher Femme

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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You are every goth-kids dream!

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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2003-03-28T22:16:00.000-05:00

no one is there.
there was a storm.
i won't eat
i won't eat
i won't eat

2003-03-28T22:14:00.000-05:00

what am i worth?

2003-03-28T21:28:00.000-05:00

Def Jam Poetry (i think that's what it's called) - spoken word performers on Broadway in NYC currently - AWESOME - INSPIRING - I WANT TO DO THAT.
i want to do all of these things... i want to explode all over everyone and not apologize.. and maybe they'll actually like it. i feel like i'm wasting half of my life.
there's so much i want to do.
there's so much i can't do.
i can't do a lot of things because i'm female. i despise this.

A woman's purpose in the world is to look pretty, have lots of babies, and keep her mouth shut.
We have lately been in denial of this fact, but it is still true.

This is only one of the reasons I want to be male.. some of the others have to do with the fact that if you're female you're a walking target for every kind of sexual mistreatment and general abuse. It has to do with how men treat us, and how much they disrespect us.
But most of it has to do with my dissatisfaction with the way my own body looks. An unattractive female is like a kind of pariah.

I have small tits and a fat ass and a big gut, and a hideous face. A fat face. The chances of my ever being able to afford to completely remodel my body are very small. The chances of my feeling guiltless about this are very small (however, the chances that i will ever cease to feel guiltless about being inadequate are next to nothing).
I think the most prudent course of action would be to kill myself, and hopefully either reincarnation is a lie, or i'll come back male.

2003-03-27T22:09:00.000-05:00

more Alanis Morissette lyrics.

I Was Hoping

as we were talking outside it was cold we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter
my wife is in the next room we've been having troubles you know please don't tell her or anyone
but i need to talk to somebody
you said "wouldn't it be a shame if i knew how great i was five minutes before i died i'd be filled
with such regret before i took my last breath" and i said "you're willing to tell me this now
and you're not going to die anytime soon"
and i said i haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything and you said yes
but you've been wearing leather and laughed and said we're at the top of the food chain
and yes you're still a fine woman and i cringed
i was hoping we could heal each other
i was hoping we could be raw together
we left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's) said "good-bye sir thank you for your business sir you're
successful and established sir and we like the frequency with which you dine here sir
and your money" and when i walked by they said "thank you too dear" i was all pigtails and cords
and there was a day when i would've said something like "hey dude i could buy and sell this place so kiss it"
i too once though i was owed something
i was hoping i was hoping we could challenge each other
i was hoping i was hoping we could crack each other up
i too thought that when proved wrong i lost somehow
i too once thought life was cruel
it's a cycle really you think i'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you i think you're insensitive
and i don't feel heard and i said do you believe we are fundamentally judgmental? fundamentally evil?
and you said yes i said i don't believe in revenge in right or wrong good or bad you said
"well what about the man that i saw handcuffed in the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid
and she threw a shoe at his head.
i think what he did was wrong and i would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him"
i had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged
i was hoping i was hoping we could dance together
i was hoping i was hoping we could be creamy together

Would Not Come

if I make a lot of tinsel then people will want to
if I am hardened no fear of further abandonment
if I am famous then maybe i'll feel good in this skin
if I am cultured my words will somehow garner respect
i would throw a party still it would not come
i would bike run swim and still it would not come
i'd go traveling and still it would not come
I would starve myself and still it would not come
if I am masculine I will be taken more seriously
if I take a break it would make me irresponsible
if i'm elusive I will surely be sought after often
if I need assistance then I must be incapable
i'd be filthy rich and still
it would not come
I would seduce them and still
it would not come
I would drink vodka and still
it would not come
i'd have an orgasm and still
it wouldn't come
if I accumulate knowledge
i'll be impenetrable
if I am aloof no one will know
when they strike a nerve
if I keep my mouth shut the boat
will not have to be rocked
if I am vulnerable I will be
trampled upon
i would go shopping and still
it would not come
i'd leave the country and still
it would not come
i would scream and rebel still
it would not come
i would stuff my face and still
it would not come
i'd be productive and still it would not come
i'd be celebrated still it would not come
i'd the the hero and still it would not come
i'd renunciate and still it would not come

So Pure

you from new york you are so relevant
you reduce me to cosmic tears
luminous more so than most anyone
unapologetically alive knot in my stomach
and lump in my throat
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
supposed former infatuation junkie
I sink three pointers and you wax poetically
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
let's grease the wheel over tea
let's discuss things in confidence
let's be outspoken let's be ridiculous
let's solve the world's problems
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression

2003-03-27T12:36:00.000-05:00

(maybe this is why i want to be a boy)

Boys Don't Cry (The Cure)

I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind
I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do
So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Cause boys don't cry
Boys don`t cry
I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away
Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more
Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

Yes, everyone, i'm still a demonic evil bitch. that's why so much of Hole's lyrics are in here.. and that's why this song is in here.. i hate it when people call Alanis Morissette a man-hater because of this song. what, because some guy screwed her over and now she hates him and she's not afraid to call him on it, she's a man-hater? sorry, but no.

by the way, You Oughtta Know was MY SONG for awhile. now i think my song is Doll Parts, or Violet.. they're both in here somewhere.

You Oughtta Know (Alanis Morissette)

I want you to know that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both

An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theatre?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And everytime you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died 'til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross i bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap on the face how quickly i was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Cause the joke that you laid in the bed, that was me
And i'm not going to fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And everytime I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it ...can you feel it?

and here's some Billy Idol for everyone!!! wasn't he a pretty one.. but then he went all straight... sad.

White Wedding

Hey little sister what have you done
Hey little sister who's the only one
Hey little sister who's your superman
Hey little sister who's the one you want
Hey little sister shotgun

It's a nice day to start again
It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again.

Hey little sister who is the girl you're with
Hey little sister what's your thoughts and wish
Hey little sister shotgun o-yeah
Hey little sister who's your superman
Hey little sister shotgun

It's a nice day to start again
It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again.

Pick it up

Take me back home yeah

Hey little sister what have you done
Hey little sister who's the only one
I've been away for so long (so long)
I've been away for so long (so long)
I let you go for so long

It's a nice day to start again (come on)
It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again.

There is nothin' fair in this world
There is nothin' safe in this world
And there's nothin' sure in this world
And there's nothin' pure in this world
Look for something left in this world
Start again
Come on

It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again.
It's a nice day to start again.
It's a nice day to start again.

Cat Woman is the coolest! she's my role model.
"I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but i feel so much yummier.."

i've been thinking a lot lately about the people in my life.
Angela - i've been more worried about her lately than i usually am. still lovely though.. she confuses me. sometimes i feel like she's inside of me, and we have the exact same emotions about everything, and other times i feel like i don't know who the hell she is.
Emily - for some reason, we're incredibly different and have managed to remain loyal and close for years.. she's like a dreamy rock. if that makes sense.
Moses - something's starting but i'm not sure what. i think it's good. he called me the other day and we had a nice long conversation about porn and lots of other things.
Chelsea - the bouncy little mysterious elf girl.
Ezra - i think i was important to him when he didn't have a life. i guess it's nice that maybe i helped make his life a little bit more interesting when it really wasn't interesting at all.
there are more people but these are the ones that are most confusing.

people keep telling me that i wouldn't be so fat if i would go get some excercise instead of moping around the house and/or sleeping all day. i can't make them understand that it seems arrogant to excercise because it's like celebrating your body. i can't celebrate my body because i feel like i should be hiding it away.

i am really going crazy. last night i almost squirted liquid soap onto my toothbrush instead of toothpaste.

2003-03-25T22:57:00.000-05:00

more information about the past weekend:

Saturday i was passed out on vicodin for awhile and then somehow was convinced to go to this bonfire my parents were having. i was feeling really sick because i took too much and should have been lying down, but i puked and felt much better.. and then i got drunk so i was fine.
so some people came, it was fun.. we pushed an old outhouse into the fire.. Rob went home early with William and Beth stayed with teh rest of us and partied and basically drank an entire bottle of rum by herself. she's fun anyway, but she's a ton of fun when she's drunk.
after the fire got down to coals we gravitated toward the lodge building, shot pool, played fun music, danced, etc. Daron and his crinkling leather..
then Beth decided we should leave, so i went home with her. she was driving very drunkenly and the ice was covered in fog and puddles. but we made it back alive. when we got back rob was up watching tv. he had to help beth get out of her gear because
she was so drunk, and lead her up the stairs and get her into her pajamas. she had forgotten about her period and her underwear were soaked with blood, but he cleaned her up and got her into bed..
this is all what rob told her he did, because she doesn't remember any of it. on Sunday morning, in the midst of her hangover, she told me "if you ever decided to settle down, you have to find a man who will change your tampon for you if you're too drunk to do it yourself! they're out there!"
i'm not sure that they are.
that day Beth and i talked a lot. we went skiing and had a big long conversation about all kinds of things - her long bulemic days, both of us possessing very negative body images, being diagnosed as "probable bipolar" and all kinds of things.

i said something to her about my "men theory" (they're lots of fun, you just can't let any emotion or emotional attachment come into your involvements with them, because they never reciprocate and even if they do, they're just going to leave you in the end anyway SO you might as well beat them to it.)
she sort of laughed and nodded and then said "is that really what you think?"

some information about current events:

apparently we killed 500 iraqis today. not sure what to think about all of this.

my grandmother just went back to Texas for a little while with her ex-son-in-law, Ronnie. i don't understand how she can be around him. for 25 years he abused her daughter. they were together for awhile in highschool, and she married him right afterward basically because he convinced her she would never be able to hook anyone else. he was always cheating on her, but she wasn't allowed to even TALK to other men. my mom says she always had bruises somewhere, for example bruises on her chest, or hand marks on her arms. if she talked to other men he would have a tantrum and threaten to take the kids and leave. she actually left him a couple of times after the kids were grown up and out of the house but he always made her come back by threatening to kill her mother, or to kill her sister's kids.
fucking men.

2003-03-24T21:58:00.000-05:00

when i die (especially if it's suicide) i want to somehow make sure that my body will be shredded up or dismembered before anyone finds it. i think it would be humiliating for someone to lay my body out on a table and poke at me and examine me and i can't do anything about it. even though i'm dead..
hopefully someone understands that.

2003-03-21T23:34:00.000-05:00

i had a dream involving stampedes of ravenous animals across a desert tundra, biologists that fly, a song by The Clash that was a cross between London Calling and Rock the Casbah (the basic message seemed to be that if you don't love London, you're crazy... it seems to me that The Clash wouldn't have played a song like that..)
and a bunch of kids running around inside a building where everything was red, and climbing on jungle gyms and in through windows and all of these other crazy things.

2003-03-21T11:05:00.000-05:00

out of the grey

what a mess.
you’re stuck down there
trying to push him off you
and they’re both inside of you at the same time.

you’re counting
the differences between this dick and that dick
this orgasm and that orgasm
the differences between wrapping yourself around someone
and being shoved into.

everyone says it wasn’t really rape.
you didn’t fight hard enough
you gave in too soon.
and besides – we know him too well;
he wouldn’t do that.

you try to play these things off
but you never wanted it to happen
it was great; it was nice
to have a little change.

it doesn’t matter what or why you ever tried
the point is you’re not going to anymore.
excuses, excuses.
well, fuck you all.

i guess some people listen to Daddy
and other people don’t.

3/20/03

2003-03-20T21:50:00.000-05:00

Drunk Flirt

What Kind of FLIRT are you?
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2003-03-20T21:37:00.000-05:00

Rock on, dude! You are Punk music!

What type of music are you?
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duh.

2003-03-20T21:33:00.000-05:00

your fuck.

What swear word are you?
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